Memories of the Rebellion
by youngde
Summary: Kallen's thoughts as she sits in her cell after her encounter with Suzaku in episode 15. A Kalulu fic, but with her thoughts on other things as well. WARNING: SPOILERS!
1. Zero

**Memories of the Rebellion**

* * *

**Spoiler Alert: This story contains spoilers for pretty much the entire series of Code Geass through all of Season 1 to episode 15 of R2. So if you haven't watched all the episodes, you may want to go do that before reading this. **

**Foreword: Hey all. Youngde here with my first piece of fan fiction ever. It's a story about Kallen and her thoughts about various events over the course of the series as she sits in her cell after the confrontation with Suzaku in episode 15 of R2. Many of her thoughts revolve around her feelings for Lelouch, so yes, this is basically a Kalulu fic. Although, it's a little atypical as it pretty much covers Kallen's feelings for Lelouch and only her guesses at what he may or may not feel for her. **

**The actual original title for this piece was "Memories of Lelouch," but I quickly discovered that it was basically impossible to tease out just Kallen's thoughts on Lelouch without mentioning many other events and people, so the story gradually evolved into "Memories of the Rebellion." **

**As such the story became an attempt of Kallen to order her thoughts about all that has happened to her so far. The problem is, as any one who has ever thought can tell you, ordering your thoughts can be quite difficult. As such, the story has a somewhat odd structure. Part of it is the basic chronological narrative of what has occurred so far in the series, but it is constantly interrupted as Kallen's thoughts go off on tangents. These tangents have a tendency to be a bit more scattered than the main narrative, often referring to events out of order and/or taking the form of one sided conversations with various characters. To make the tangents easier to recognize from the main narrative, they are the parts that appear in italics. I should also point out that despite calling them tangents to the main narrative, they often take over the story and basically become the 'main' narrative for a time.**

**I would also like to point out that in this story I have attempted to avoid any speculation about what is to happen in the final 10 episodes of R2. However, this does not mean no speculations have been made. Stories about a character's thoughts are by their nature speculative. So there are two main types of speculations that I have made in this story. The first are, of course, those on Kallen's thoughts themselves. Keep in mind while your reading that these are only my guesses on what Kallen may or may not have felt at any given time; I make no claims to actually know Kallen's thoughts. In fact, that would be pretty weird since she is a fictional character. **

**The other type of speculations I was forced to make during this story were speculations on what other characters may or may not have told her after certain events have taken place. The two main characters who would have done this are, of course, Lelouch and C.C. These speculations are mostly made for the purpose of fleshing out the story in areas where Kallen was present, but not privy to everything that was going at the time. I make no claim that all these speculations are right (and will, in fact, probably be proven wrong before the series ends). However, it did add the difficulty that now, sometimes the story contained speculations made by Kallen based on speculations that I had made on what Lelouch and C.C. may have told her. I'm aware that this is not the best scenario in writing, but hopefully I pulled it off with some level of competence. **

**Anyway, that's enough of my ranting. So read and enjoy. Or read and don't enjoy. Or enjoy not reading. All are viable options, although my pride as a writer would prefer the first. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. It is owned by Sunrise with character designs by CLAMP. **

**

* * *

  
Chapter 1: Zero**

"I-I…won't become like him!" Suzaku said, and I heard the vial of Refrain break against the floor. It was with moderate surprise that I turned to see him standing there, as if contemplating what to do next. "I'm……sorry, Kallen," he finally said quietly as he left my elaborate cell and locked it behind him. He glanced up at me, and for the briefest of moments, I detected a hint of regret. But his eyes quickly returned to that look of hatred. Of hatred for one man: Lelouch Lamperouge.

Still, there was something left of the old Suzaku. Even after I found out we were on opposite sides, I still couldn't think of him as an enemy. Not the old Suzaku anyway. The one who always thought that ends achieved by deplorable means were worthless. The one who always went along with Milly's ridiculous schemes with a smile. The one who even after capturing me on Kaminejima, still treated me like a friend. I admittedly acted a bit like a brat, but he just said he found me "attractive and charming." Even though I've never had any special feelings for Suzaku, the compliment still made me blush. When at school, I was mostly complimented for my grades and 'proper behavior,' and the Black Knights mostly complimented me for my piloting skills. No one had ever said anything like Suzaku did to me that day before, not since my brother died.

My brother…

He must watch over me to this day. Every time I call his name when I'm in trouble, something happens to save me. The first time was in the Shinjuku ghetto when Prince Clovis suddenly announced a cease fire. The second time was when Rakshata showed up just in time with the upgrades for my Guren. And then just now, Suzaku didn't use the Refrain. Come to think of it, all three instances were because of one man:

The first time, he managed to get all the way to Prince Clovis and force him to call off the Shinjuku massacre. The second time, he had planned enough ahead to have Rakshata en route during the Black Knight operation to 'rescue' Governor Nunnally. (As usual, he neglected to tell _me_ about. Bastard.) And now, it was Suzaku's hatred for this man that saved me.

Lelouch. I haven't told anyone that you're Zero again, but I think I'm running out of time. But you said you'd come save me…and I believe you. Despite everything, I'll always believe in you.

* * *

I still remember that first day, or rather I did remember once Lelouch filled in all the blanks. I was a terrorist then. There's no way to sugarcoat it. I hated all Britannians then, and I killed them indiscriminately. I also hated how most of our people just let their pride die and lowered their heads to our oppressors. That included my own mother, who worked as a maid in the house of her former Britannian lover with my step-mother and I. I was a foolish girl back then; maybe I still am, but I'd like to think less so now than then.

Our resistance cell had broken into Prince Clovis' lab and stolen a canister of experimental poison gas. At least, that's what we thought…

_C.C. I wonder where she is. I hope she's alright. For all our differences, she's become almost like…a sister? No, that can't be right. At any rate, she's probably with Lelouch I suppose. With him, alone, without me there. NO!! Why does that annoy me so much?? At any rate, that's irrelevant right now. _

We had what we thought was poison gas. We were making a clean getaway, until some casual Britannian students got in our way, just cruising along like they owned the whole road. Lelouch and Rival, returning from gambling. If I had known them at the time, it would have come as no surprise, but as it was, we panicked and crashed. And if not for Lelouch's well hidden, but nonetheless very strong, sense of chivalry, I would have died that day.

He came to check on us; we didn't realize he was on the roof and took off, causing him to fall into the trailer. And he saw me. He recognized me, though he didn't know from where, as I boarded my Glasgow. After that, while I was fighting for my life, he met his old friend Suzaku, and first met C.C. and gained the power of Geass.

_Geass. I still don't understand it much, even though C.C. explained it to me a thousand times during that year Lelouch was gone. I kept asking for clarification, and she kept rolling her eyes and told me again. Lelouch later admitted that it was to confirm my identity that he used it on me at school the day after Shinjuku. Then he messed up (rare for him) and tried to use it again, not knowing it didn't work twice on the same person. He used me as a Guinea Pig!! And yet, since it also erases memory, he didn't have to tell me. Also, this meant that I was now immune. He couldn't order me to do anything after that, at least not using his Geass. Everything I did for him, that I've ever done for him, I chose to do myself, just as he said. For some reason, that's both comforting and terrifying at the same time. That all I feel for him is not from Geass, but because I…Oh, it doesn't matter._

I would've died!! The Glasgow we got was a piece of junk, malfunctioning just when you needed it the most. My energy filler was down to fifteen minutes. I was royally screwed. Ironic that royalty saved my ass. His voice was so cocky, and I couldn't stand that someone just seemed to happen to know our frequency, but he told me I could win.

Win. It was a word rarely used even amongst those of us fighting for a free Japan. Most of us realized that realistically we were just prolonging the inevitable. But this voice said 'Win' and sounded like he meant it. Because of that voice, I defeated the two Sutherlands after me, and our group gained access to a train full of Knightmares. He organized us, gave us all call signs like a real military unit. To his credit, with his help we almost won absolute victory. Except for the Lancelot. Come to think of it, that's the first time Lelouch and Suzaku fought, though neither of them could have possibly known that at the time. I helped the voice escape that White Armor only to wind up stranded in the ghetto in a room full of people blaming us for what happened. (Back then, I hated spineless cowards like them.) The military moved in, and I thought the voice had failed us; we were all going to die anyway. No win. No victory. Then…the cease fire.

As I walked away wondering what the hell just happened, Ohgi told me to go back to school and lie low for awhile. I hated school. It was full of Britannians, and I HATED Britannians. Granted, I had never gotten to know any of them. That was about to change.

_That was the first time Zero commanded me. He wasn't called Zero, of course, he was still Lelouch. But then Lelouch IS Zero and, in a way, has always been Zero. He called me Q-1 for the first time then, too. Wait. Isn't Q-1 the shorthand for the Queen in those stupid chess games he's always playing? I know a little about chess, but not nearly as much as Lelouch. In that game with Schneizel, he said that 'If the King doesn't move……,' Does that mean he thinks of himself as the King of the Black Knights? So if I'm Q-1, that makes me his…No, the queen is also the most powerful piece on the board, needed to protect the King because it's so weak. And if anyone is weak it's Lelouch. So that means I'm his protector? His queen? What am I to him…?_

* * *

The next day at school was torture. Listening to restructured versions of my peoples' history in a room full of 'students' being told what to think rather than how to think. I'm one of the top students at Ashford; it's really not that hard. Just write and say exactly what the Britannians want their people to believe and you get strait 'A's.'

Of course, the worst part was that whenever I was there, I had to pretend to be sick. It explained my long absences without too many awkward questions. I don't even remember exactly what it is I'm supposed to have had, which doesn't really matter. Most of the Britannians that called themselves my friends were a bunch of self-absorbed fools that only really wanted to get closer to the name Stadtfeld rather than to me, so none of them ever really paid attention to the details of my 'illness.' That suited me fine; it just made it that much easier to trick them.

I guess that's why I got so frustrated when they all freaked out over something as stupid as a bee. I just swatted it down and complained about how I needed to act like an invalid. I thought I did it in my head, but apparently, I did it out loud, because the next thing I knew, _he_ was standing there, just looking at me. I was used to getting stared at; most of the guys did it. But even without fearing that he had just heard my little outburst, Lelouch's eyes have a way of piercing into your soul. That was the first time we met. I mean, not technically. We had both seen each other around before, but it was the first time we interacted in any meaningful way.

I asked him if he needed anything, and he Geassed me. Just like that. No preamble, no pause to think if it was the right thing to do. He just did it. I mean, I know his story now, the whole former Prince of Britannia out to get revenge for his mother and create a world for his sister thing. I understand that he needed to start building a basis of power to fight against the Empire. I even feel a little flattered that he chose to start with me, that he saw that potential in me just from watching me pilot a junker Glasgow. Still, he simply robbed me of my true identity that I had spent so much time and effort into hiding. And then he just started to walk away. If he hadn't told me to forget about Shinjuku, I may not have ever realized something was wrong. But I was immune to his power now, and he didn't realize it.

_He didn't realize it. Even Lelouch, Zero…even you make mistakes. Again, that's both comforting and terrifying at the same time. Lelouch, I love it when you get that indignant look on your face whenever you get one-upped, but Zero needs to be flawless, a miracle worker. Yet here you were; you had just accidentally given me immunity to your most powerful weapon. You later told me that you had never used it on any of the other Black Knights. Was is because you didn't want to force them into following you, or was it because you didn't want grant them the immunity that it gave to me? After I found out about Geass, was the whole reason you took me into your inner circle was because you couldn't delete my memory like you could have with the others? _

_No. You once offered to let me in (or at least let me know who you really were) of your own free will, right after I found out about C.C., even though I knew nothing of Geass back them. It's like, even knowing that you couldn't manipulate me anymore, you still trusted me. I may have only been a tool to you at the start, but right then, you trusted me._

But he didn't trust me at first, and I didn't trust him. The next few days we were on pins and needles around each other, both believing that if the other knew too much, we might have to……

_Would we have done it? We're so close now…at least, I think we are. I don't know what he had planned for when he invited me to the clubhouse that day, but if things had gone very differently, our…relationship or whatever you could call it. It would have been over before it began._

Instead, we ended up in the middle of an impromptu welcome party planned by Milly Ashford. There were introductions all around, but I didn't really pay attention. Not until Nunnally came into the room. She was blind. She couldn't walk. She was weak, that's what all good Britannians would say. But these Britannians were treating her like an equal…more than an equal, she was their friend. I had never seen Britannians act like that before. Especially Lelouch. For the briefest of moments, seeing him with his sister made me miss my own brother so much, I almost teared up.

_Come to think of it, it wasn't until that day that I made the first friends that were really my own age. When I was a kid, I almost always hanged out with my brother and his friends, the ones that eventually formed my resistance cell. But they were all way older than I. Naoto, he encouraged me to get friends my own age, but by then, Britannia had invaded. Most Japanese children were too afraid to play outside in the ghettos and the Britannian kids just made fun of a half-breed like me. But these members of the Student Council were somehow different. _

_Milly had a zest for life that is rarely seen. Nina, I found out later that she was a complete xenophobe, but she was intelligent and soft-spoken. Rival was, well, Rival. And then there was Shirley……is she really gone? Maybe Suzaku was just messing with me. No, even as he is now, he wouldn't do that. He just proved that by throwing away the Refrain...But anyway, Shirley was always so sweet and kind…until she caught Lelouch gambling or Rival in the middle of one of his crazy antics…like that day with the champagne…_

The champagne. No one seemed to notice that a supposedly sick girl had lightning quick reflexes, but that didn't keep me from being soaked, and my opinion of Britannians was down in the gutter again. They lived in opulence while my people scraped away what little living they could. That's what I was thinking in the shower when Lelouch showed up with spare clothes. I saw an opportunity, and I took it, grabbing his wrist and shaking him down about Shinjuku. He merely told me I was stronger than I looked and dodged my questions before the phone rang.

A recording. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book, but I fell for it. I was asking questions to a recording. I got angry at a recording. And I pulled the shower curtain open over a recording. I was so flustered, I didn't even think about how lame his excuse was that his warning about Shinjuku was merely about online videos. Granted, maybe it was because my own excuse about the cease fire being part of a video game was equally lame.

To his credit, Lelouch tried to be a gentleman and not look. Ever since then, I've been alot more careful when it comes to showering (with mixed results, unfortunately). Lelouch said he wouldn't tell. Part of me didn't believe him, and I dreaded the rumors at school, but as the days went by, there was no mention of my little shower faux pax, which was good, because I had enough on my mind. I was meeting the voice at Tokyo Tower soon.

_Now that I think about it, Lelouch, you not only didn't tell anyone about seeing me in the shower, but also about my uncharacteristic behavior. My unusual strength for a invalid or my sudden change from my usual demure manner. No one else seemed to know about it, aside from you, Lelouch. Maybe that's why our friendship was so much different than my friendships with the other Council members. You almost seemed to enjoy getting a rise out of me, of bringing that part of me to the forefront. I used to think you just drove me crazy, that you went out of your way to get under my skin. Remember when I once called you a smart ass, and you just looked at me and said, "Better than being a dumb ass." (I can't deny there is a certain logic to that statement.) _

_Yet, looking back, it was…refreshing being with you. All day at school, I had to play the poor sick girl. I never realized how stifling that was until I didn't have to be that way around you. Maybe you did it because you were also Zero and knew about my true personality…that I needed some kind of a release. But more likely, knowing you, Lelouch, you just liked screwing with me. Either way…I guess I'm…grateful? That can't be right. _

* * *

That day at Tokyo Tower, I first met Zero. I mean, Lelouch is Zero, so I technically knew him already, but I didn't know the part that was Zero yet. Or did I? Ahhhh, it's too confusing when one person is two people! Damn, Lelouch.

He called me at Tokyo Tower. That's the first time he revealed himself as Zero over the caller I.D. We met on the train that ran between the city and the ghetto. Again, he claimed we could win, but not with terrorism. Not by attacking those who couldn't defend themselves. Our enemy was Britannia, not its people, the Britannians…the same Britannians I hated with all my heart.

I got angry. It was ridiculous to attack anyone _except_ those that couldn't defend themselves. We didn't have the power to go directly against the Britannian military. But if we hurt enough people, killed enough people, eventually, they might give up, start to leave, and leave us with our own country again. Public opinion would force the Higher Ups to pull out, if only we had the strength to keep it up.

Lelouch. He grew with those Higher Ups. The Highest of the Higher Ups. He knew how they worked. Killing a few of their own people meant nothing to them. No amount of public sway would change that. The simple fact was those people at the top had all the power and still wanted more. To do that they needed more territory, which was easy enough to take with their superior Knightmare Frame technology. But Knightmares required SakuraDite, which was found mostly in Japan. So they would not leave, not until the SakuraDite ran out. No matter how many innocent people we killed.

_Lelouch, you knew that. It seems so logical to me now. But I was a terrorist then, and logic doesn't work on terrorists. Only results. Lelouch knew that too, so he became Zero, and decided to show us a miracle. Ohgi and I were the only ones willing to believe in a miracle that day. I don't know why Ohgi came, but something about Zero stirred something in me. And I was surprised that it wasn't just that he promised victory. I think that was the first time I realized……I was getting tired of killing innocent people. _

_Somewhere in the back of mind, I always knew, I was taking away people's loved ones, their brothers just like Britannia took mine. I quieted those thoughts by saying it was poetic justice. But after listening to this man, Zero, I knew that it had bothered me far more than I had ever let on._

The miracle was the rescue of Private Kururugi. Of course, it was. Lelouch and Suzaku had been friends since they were kids. There was no way Lelouch would let Suzaku take the fall for killing Prince Clovis, especially since he was the one who did it. Lelouch would have undertaken this task with no help at all, and knowing him, he probably would have pulled it off. But there was no way I could have known all of that at the time, so I was skeptical. There were going to be Knightmares, and the media, and streams of the innocent bystanders that he claimed he did not wish to harm. There was simply NO WAY this could be done, especially not with a fake version of Prince Clovis' car and an _empty_ poison gas container.

_Yet you did Lelouch…or is it Zero? You must have used Geass to get that Knightmare pilot, Jeremiah, to let us go. Still, it was masterfully done. And you did it without killing people just like you said. That whole 'Orange' thing was a nice touch, too, even though it drove me crazy until you explained to me almost a year later that it had had absolutely no meaning all along. _

_My opinion of Zero skyrocketed that day…my opinion of you, Lelouch. 'With him, we can really win,' was the first thought in my head when we got back to the hideout. Yet Suzaku, he deplored the methods Zero had used, said as much and went marching back to his death. I later would come to admire Suzaku's principles, even if I didn't agree with them, but at that moment, I agreed with Zero. He was an idiot._

_I didn't even know of the turmoil behind your mask, Lelouch, as you listened to your best friend shred your morals and walk away to almost certain execution. If I had known you then like I do now, what would I have done? It probably still would have been best if I didn't do anything. After all, every time I confront Lelouch, I seem to end up slapping him. _

* * *

Our enemy wasn't the Britannians, but Britannia itself. Those words of Zero kept echoing through my head. Maybe that's why I started to go to school more. Maybe it's because the whole Kururugi rescue put the military on high alert, so I really didn't have much of a choice. Zero, unfortunately, during this time, became almost impossible to get in contact with (aside from the fact that I saw him in school pretty much every day). At any rate, over the next few weeks I decided that if I was going to follow this man, I needed to really get to know some Britannians. Little did I know that being assigned to the Student Council got me mixed up in the most atypical group of Britannians in all of the Empire. (I sometimes wonder if Milly specifically chose them for that very reason.) Still, the really scary thing was how well I fit in.

I've already said that they weren't like any group of Britannians that I had ever known. What floored me was when Lelouch admitted he was long time friends with the new transfer student, none other than Suzaku Kururugi. Milly, Shirley and Rival accepted him pretty much right away after that; Nina, on the other hand, took some time, but eventually warmed up to him (If only that feeling had extended to all 'Elevens.').

The main problem with going back to school was the almost immediate misconception that Lelouch and I were going out. Like I said, I found his presence annoying, yet refreshing at the same time, since he was always trying to draw me out of my shell, but there was nothing romantic about it. Then, one day, he grabbed me by the face; I thought he was going to kiss me: my first kiss. But then he stopped, just stopped. When I asked what he was doing, he simply said, "What, indeed," and let go. Then with a quick apology, he left me there, absolutely fuming. He had done it to me again. That man pissed me off to no end, yet at the same time, I almost felt a little disappointed.

_I did NOT just think that. After all, it was just a misunderstanding. C.C. told me latter how he just grabbed me to prevent me from seeing her strolling about the campus. Which while I admit would have caused uncomfortable problems later on, I was a little confused as to why Lelouch would have worried that much about it at the time. After all, I had never seen C.C. at that point, so it's not like I would have recognized her. Turns out though she was wearing the same outfit that Lelouch had given to me after that…day in the bathroom. That, I admit would have sent up some Red Flags. Still, why does the fact that Lelouch lent C.C. the same clothes as me make me feel less…special? Ah, never mind. _

_Granted, maybe Lelouch didn't lend them to her. Maybe she just took what she wanted. She can be selfish that way after all. Of course, she is. Because she is C.C.…As much as it pains me to admit it, I wouldn't have her any other way. _

My…situation with Lelouch only got worse after that. A cat got loose on campus with one of Lelouch's possessions. (Our own Arthur with Zero's helmet, C.C. later told me. The thought of that always makes me smile, even here in this cell.) The problem was that Milly organized a campus wide search for the cat with a special prize, a kiss from a Student Council member. I always knew I was admired from afar by most of the male student body at Ashford, I just never realized until then just how far a man will go to serve his libido. I'll admit, my opinion of Britannians again sank like a stone as I ran (as much a 'sick girl' could) to find the stupid cat. Fortunately, it was found by the tag-team of Lelouch and Suzaku. I breathed a sigh of relief when Nunnally was the one that gave them their prize. I had been sure I was screwed after the way Shirley and I had messed up the capture after we had gotten the cat cornered…

_Shirley. Is she really gone? Was it Lelouch's doing? Both he and his Zero persona were always playing chess. I watched Lelouch playing once; he was always willing to make sacrifices in order to win. And as Zero, he once told me that sacrifices would be made, even innocent blood. But still, to sacrifice Shirley; Lelouch couldn't, wouldn't do that. Not voluntarily at any rate. Not that I'm one to talk. Not long after I met her, I nearly stabbed her for knowing my 'secret.' If she hadn't thought that my secret was some hush-hush affair with Lelouch, I would have killed her myself. She became one of my very best friends, and I would have murdered her before I even knew her……I'm horrible. _

_But wait! What if that's it? Lelouch. I can't see him killing Shirley. But he has gotten himself in pretty deep, and Shirley's awfully close to him. She's followed him before, I know that. Did she get too close to something? If so, Lelouch may not have killed her, but he's responsible. Or at least he'll think so. He's too soft about these things. What if he breaks down again…I'm not there for him this time…but C.C. is. I hate that, but if it's for Lelouch…C.C., please, don't let him break again…_

_Oh, why am I worrying about this? Suzaku's the one who told me Shirley was killed by Lelouch, and he clearly has some serious issues. I don't even know for sure that she's dead. Come on now, I was finally remembering some happier times. Maybe it's just denial, but until I know for sure, I won't let it beat me, especially without knowing if it's true. I'm stronger than that. I'm the Ace of the Black Knights, after all…Zero's knight. Ever since then…_

It came as such a shock. It shouldn't have, but it did. The JLF, taking hostages, Britannian hostages, in order to achieve their goal, a goal I shared: a free Japan. Only a few weeks earlier, I wouldn't have given a damn. Hell, I may have even thought it was a brilliant move. But that was all before. Before I had met Zero. Before he showed me another way. Before three of my friends were among the hostages. My Britannian friends.

I knew the others wouldn't understand. Well, maybe Ohgi; he had been a teacher himself in his past life. Tamaki and the others though, they would have called me a traitor. But Zero, as I watched him listen to the impassioned plea from Shirley's father on the television, I somehow knew, he felt differently.

_Of course you did Lelouch. They were you're friends, too. Is that why you acted with such an uncharacteristic lack of forethought? I think this is the only time that you, that Zero, acted without putting days or weeks of planning into it. Granted, you had unprecedented insight into the Britannian commander in charge of the operation. Cornelia, your sister. You knew she wouldn't move with your other sister, Euphemia, on the inside. I know now that you hated her; you hated them all for allowing your mother to die, for leaving Nunnally incapacitated. Still, you put that aside to save your friends. _

_It's that heart of yours that's your greatest weakness, Lelouch. It gets in the way of the brilliant mind of yours. Whenever those closest to you are in harm's way, you act too rashly. All your plans and stratagems fall apart._

_If you weren't like that, I doubt I would have come back to you. _

So we went strait up the center, and Cornelia let us through, probably thinking she could save her sister and kill both us and the JLF at the same time. Zero met with the leaders, and 'seeing the error of their ways,' they committed suicide, and the hostages were all free.

_Yeah, right, Lelouch. As much as I have come to…admire you, sometimes, you still scare me with power of yours. The power of 'absolute command.' And when it's your friends being threatened, your ferocity is even greater than mine in my Guren. _

Still, at the time, all I cared about was that I was a Knight. An ally of justice. I would help the weak, Japanese or no. I would protect my people, and I would protect my dear Ashford friends. And I would do it all with this man, whose voice now resonated with the hearts of all that lacked power: Zero.

* * *


	2. Allies of Justice

**Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. (If I did, this wouldn't be FAN fiction, now would it?) **

* * *

**Chapter 2: Allies of Justice**

And so that's what we did. Corrupt government officials, terrorists or just dishonest businessmen cheating the weak. We passed judgment on them all. It was exhilarating, but very tiring. I started sleeping though classes all the time. Lelouch did too, of course, but that hadn't been considered that unusual _before_ he became Zero, so it didn't really attract much notice. Still, when I once confronted him about it, he simply said that, due to her tragic past, Nunnally suffered from nightmares, so he was frequently awakened in the night. I have no idea to this day if that particular story was actually true or just a cover, but I quickly dropped the subject. Still, I grew to care about these spoiled Britannians more than I thought possible. I even didn't particularly mind all the bizarre events that Milly was always coming up with. (Okay, I _hated_ that day we went to Clovis Land, but that's understandable, right?) Still the gender-bending festival was kind of fun.

_The best part of all was the Lelouch looked ridiculous, but at the same time disturbingly beautiful in that fancy dress. Too bad my comment on his popularity spiked another debate into my relationship with him. Since I was absent from school at the same time, I didn't realize that my absences from class coincided perfectly with Lelouch's, which definitely did NOT go unnoticed and must have looked suspicious. Grr, Lelouch, if your so freaking smart, why didn't you anticipate this? _

_I tried to deflect the accusations by calling Lelouch a hideous girl, but Suzaku nearly made me lose it with his girly cry of "How could you call a girl hideous!?" At any rate, at least for once I got to make you squirm, Lelouch, instead of the other way around. _

_I loved those times. When I thought Lelouch was just Lelouch and Suzaku was just Suzaku. When I could just be Kallen Stadtfeld the schoolgirl and not Kozuki Kallen the Black Knight. Not that I didn't believe that what I was doing was the right thing to do. It's just until I had these friends, I never had moments that reminded me just what I was fighting for. So that all people in Japan could have moments with their friends, and just be…silly._

Unfortunately, there was no denying it, most people in Japan, while willing to ignore the Black Knights' activity and not report us to the authorities, were still not ready to really fight back. Most still had no fight, no pride left in them. And my constant reminder of that was the one that met me with a weak smile everyday. I just wanted for her to go away. My mother. Why she never just told me she was staying there in order to be with me, I still don't know. Back before the Black Rebellion, she still hadn't recovered enough to speak much, and I haven't seen her since then……I'm not even sure where she is…maybe I'll ask Nunnally.

_Nunnally. I didn't realize then what Lelouch was talking about that day, but I think it was about him and Nunnally. He stopped me from getting into a fight with a bunch of thugs beating on an 'Eleven' that day. I could've taken them; there were only five. But it would have destroyed the image I so desperately needed to maintain. Lelouch, even when he wasn't Zero, he was always keeping an eye on me, making sure I didn't make rash moves. Still, at the time, I was pissed at him. Not that that was unusual, but this day especially. _

_He understood so well how the world worked. In many ways, Japan was more stable as a satellite of the Empire. My people could even get a better life if they would put aside their pride. After all, you can't live on pride. You can't feed your family or give them a home with pride. But all I heard that day was a lazy boy who would rather flow along with the status quo rather than fight the current. He said it's easier to live by bowing to the Britannians. I thought of my mother and saw red. And I slapped him…hard. _

_But Lelouch, it was really you that you were talking about wasn't it. For so many years, you put aside your pride, putting up with a world you hated, all for the sake of taking care of your sister. You…love our land, our Japan, don't you? The land that took in your sister when your own people called her weak. The land where you met your first real friend, Suzaku. Seeing Japan like this, it hurts you…almost like Japan is your own land. _

_We're not so different, you and I. Both legally Britannians who both hate Britannia. Who feel more akin to Japan than the Motherland. We both lived in happy families consisting of a mother, a brother and a sister. You fight for your murdered mother and to help your invalid sister. I fight for my dead brother and to help my sick mother. We both abandoned our father's name for our mother's: vi Britannia for Lamperouge, Stadtfeld for Kozuki. Hell, we both even went to the extreme measure of living double lives. What a pair we make………Wait a minute, did I just call Lelouch and I a pair?...Um, anyway…_

Refrain. It was a drug targeted at the Japanese. It made you relive the best days of your life. Just now, when Suzaku was here, I don't know why he thought Refrain would have made me give away Lelouch; the best days of my life were when we were all together at Ashford, before I even knew Lelouch and Zero were one and the same,…and when I was a child with my brother and my mother.

When we broke into that warehouse to bring down the Refrain drug ring, I didn't know what to expect, but to see my mother there was almost more than I could bear. I hated that the Japanese people had become weak; I hated her for constantly reminding me of it, yet when the time came, I couldn't let her go…

_Someone once told me that there comes a time in each of our lives when we must chose what to let go of and what to hold on to. I never thought what I couldn't let go of was my mother. Yes, I loved her once, when Japan was strong. But then the mother I loved was crushed along with Japan. She was weak…or so I thought. Yet she had the strength to endure so much, just to stay by my side. And she did it while smiling the whole time. C.C. once told me that false smiles harm oneself. Maybe it's because she's much older than she looks, but C.C. really knows her stuff……sometimes. _

_So my mother wasn't weak. Japan wasn't weak. If anything, I was weak for not being able to bear the weight that so many of my people suffered every day. Even when she heard her prison sentence, the first words she choked out were words of encouragement for me. "Don't give up." I don't intend to. _

* * *

I had come a long way, at least in my mind. I didn't hate all Britannians. I didn't hate my own people for losing their pride. I felt like I had finally found a reason to fight beyond just revenge for my brother. I would fight for a new world where we could all live equally, a world for my mother and me. That's why when Zero gave me control of the Guren, stating that I was the one with reason to fight, I almost found it unnerving. Even though he was there when I reconciled with mother, how could he know so much about me? It was almost like he knew me in another life, which, technically, he did, I guess.

Almost immediately after that we got news that Cornelia was going to attack the JLF at Narita. The source, a Britannian named Diethard Reid. I've come to really hate that man, but his information has always been spot on, I have to give him that much. So we got all the Black Knights together to go 'hiking.' I realized that this was to be a 'trial by fire' for us, one we couldn't afford to lose. A make or break point. But Zero told Ohgi and I to tell nothing of this to the others. It made me feel guilty, but because Zero put his trust (and the Guren) in my hands, I felt obligated, almost compelled to obey.

_Compelled to obey. Even without your Geass, Lelouch, you have that type of hold on me. All because Zero showed a level of trust in me that most would only reserve for their closest friends and confidants. Ohgi seemed reluctant to not tell the others, but I convinced him that Zero knew what was best. That if we told them, they would run, and we would never know what we were really capable of. Lelouch, did you know I would do that? That I already had that much faith in Zero?...I may not have told anyone that you're Zero, Lelouch, but I really wish you were with me now to answer some of these questions…or maybe I just wish you were with me…Of course, then you would be captured to…That's just stupid Kallen!!_

When the battle started, I honestly had no idea what Zero expected to happen when I was to use Guren's Radiation Wave on 'piercing electric-thingy number 3' or whatever it was. But then the landslide that happened, it was incredible. It wiped out the majority of the enemy forces with one blow, just like that. I had done that! With Zero's guidance, I had done that. But there was no time to rest. We had an objective: to capture Governor Cornelia, and her forces were already redeploying to counter our advance. But with the Guren, we finally had the ability to fight back on equal terms with Britannia. Even without long-range weapons, the Guren's speed and Radiation Wave let me cut through Sutherlands without a problem. As a result, with Zero's planning, and the fortunate timely arrival of Tohdoh and the Heavenly Swords, we quickly had the Governor trapped……until that White Armor showed up.

_Suzaku. Lancelot. I spent so much time trying to destroy the White Armor without even knowing it was one of my best friends inside. Not that it would have made a difference. I even once told Suzaku after I found out that he was the pilot that I would destroy the Lancelot. It's never been personal, we just happen to have conflicting ideals that have landed us on opposite sides in a war. I guess that's really what makes war so tragic, that while nations rage, it's the good people playing soldiers that die, on both sides. _

_Secretly, I always hoped that Suzaku's talk of changing the system from the inside was, at least, plausible. He could work from the inside, I would work from the outside, and we could have met in the middle. After all, he was with Research and Development. He shouldn't have even been on the front lines. But it wasn't to be, I guess. _

_Wow, this stuff is pretty deep. "Too deep for you," C.C. would probably say. Lelouch, too. Then I'd slap him. _

The Lancelot and the Guren. It was the first of many encounters. We were able to match blow-for-blow, with neither ever getting a true advantage over the other. It's like the machines were specifically designed to fight each other with no final victory. Not surprising really. I understand Rakshata and the designer of the Lancelot, an Earl Lloyd Asplund, are old research partners. (I guess that means that this Lloyd is probably the one gutting my Guren as I sit in this little cell. That thought just burns me up. He sure as hell better be kind to her.)

But I messed up. I stepped too close to the cliff. My Guren stood up to the Lancelot's assault, but the cliff did not. My Guren's right arm was damaged and we had to pull out without achieving our objective. I couldn't help but feel that it was my fault. But I was nearly in a panic when I realized that Zero wasn't at the rendezvous point. We hadn't won, but we had held our own against the Britannian military, all because of Zero. If we lost him, then what did any of it matter. We had a single victory, but lost the very means to achieve any others. It was with great relief when I received a call from him. I rushed to his location as quickly as I could, but when I got there, it was my first time with…her.

_C.C. I guess technically it wasn't my first time with her. After all, I was in a runaway truck hauling her ass in a gas capsule that day in Shinjuku. And there's that aforementioned time when Lelouch grabbed me by the face because C.C. was strolling around campus like it was the most natural thing in the world for a wanted scientific research specimen to do. But this was our first meeting face-to-face. Zero told her, "I don't know why snow is white, but I think white snow is pretty. I don't hate it." I didn't like that. It sounded too much like poetry……but then I thought why should I care if Zero spouts poetry to this girl. That's when I realized…I was…no, not in love with Zero, but something like it. Smitten? I hated that word. It sounded so much like a schoolgirl crush sort of thing, but then, technically, I was a schoolgirl. _

_C.C. She picked up on it right away, and never let me forget it. There was that one time when Tamaki and I went on a supply run, and C.C. was already in the car. She wanted to go on a pizza run (I swear, the rebellion could probably afford a couple extra Burai with the money that girl spends on pizza. At least it's Lelouch's money.). After Tamaki "excused himself," I had my first girl talk with C.C. ever, one where she seemed to know everything about me and I knew nothing of her. Although, she did confess to me that she was lonely in a round about sort of way. To the best of my knowledge, I'm the only one other than Lelouch that she's ever confided anything to. And I know she's old—she told me that once, too—so I guess that's says something about our relationship. I just wish both of them, Lelouch and C.C., would trust me more. Although maybe it's for the best considering my current situation; the less I know the better. _

Zero asked me not to say anything about C.C. when we got back to base. When I asked why, he said that Tamaki wouldn't like the thought of their leader using their resources for some woman. It was an obvious dodge, but I couldn't help but smile at the irony considering that Tamaki was, well…it's best not to dwell on things like that. Despite everything, Tamaki was one of my brother's best friends, so I'll always put up with him. Although I did feel he crossed the line when he demanded to see Zero's face. We all wanted to know, even me—especially me—but, if we forced him and he left, where would that leave us. So I was floored when Zero offered to show his face to me, and me alone.

_Why did you do that Lelouch? Did you think since we were friends (albeit adversarial ones) that it would make me more loyal to you? What if it had been the opposite, that I felt betrayed that you hadn't told me earlier? Or did you feel you owed me after I saw you with C.C.? Was it a test? Would I have failed if I said yes? Or did you just trust me…both as my friend Lelouch and as my commander Zero? I just don't know._

_For that matter, why did I refuse? Did I think it would still push you away, even if it was only I that knew? Was I afraid it was a test? Did I think it would be inappropriate? Or was I…smitten, and afraid the face under the mask could never compete with some sort of girly fantasy of love? Lord, I hope it wasn't the last one. _

With my heart in utter confusion, I had almost forgot that we had been invited to Kyoto. The ones that gave us the Guren. The number one source of funding for those that would set Japan free. Zero, at first, didn't seem impressed, but after reviewing Tamaki's handling of our finances (and promptly turning them over to Ohgi), he decided to go meet them.

It was nearly a disaster. They demanded Ohgi remove Zero's mask, which he did, only it wasn't Zero, it was C.C. She identified the messenger from Kyoto as Taizo Kirihara. All hell nearly broke loose at that point; they were going to kill us. Then one of the Kyoto Knightmares disarmed the others and stormed the stage where the Kirihara was seated. And when the hatch opened, there was Zero. (When I get out of here, first thing I'm going to do is ask how the hell Lelouch and C.C. are always able to switch like that.) That's when Zero admitted he wasn't Japanese.

I was surprised, but not as much as I thought I would be. Zero had always spoken with a slight accent that made me wonder where, exactly, he was from, although I still had always assumed he was from our Japan. Looking back, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Lelouch has lived here for nine years now, since he was a young boy. It's not surprising that he picked up the language, even the accent, so flawlessly, especially considering his intelligence. Hell, knowing him, he probably learned Japanese during the plane ride over from the Motherland with enough time left over for a quick nap.

_Still, how lucky was it that Kirihara was an old acquaintance of Lelouch. I mean seriously, Lelouch was friends with Suzaku, son of the previous prime minister, who was well acquainted with Kirihara?! What are the odds? Kirihara would have been one of the few people in all of Japan that would have understood right away why Lelouch would have to hide his face. If it was known that a prince of Britannia was leading a Japanese rebellion, everyone would have thought it was all just a giant farce. Almost everyone at any rate, I would have just seen Lelouch Lamperouge. And at that point…I honestly don't know what I would have thought._

_You know, it just occurred to me. If the Lelouch and Suzaku were so crazy close as kids, he must have met Princess Kaguya, too, right? She is Suzaku's cousin. If Zero ever does remove his mask in front of her, will she be happy or sad with her 'husband.' Maybe she'll be pissed? Now, I really need to get out of here, if only to see that. Although, truthfully, I somehow cannot picture Kaguya as anything except impossibly…bubbly. I know that she was only around 13 or 14, when she was already one of the leaders of the largest underground financial empire in Japan, AND she has even more political savvy than Zero. I mean, she must be an absolute genius, and yet she still comes off as a smitten fangirl. (Even so, it's impossible to hate that unbridled optimism.) Lelouch, Kaguya. I guess it's true that there's a fine line between genius and insanity. _

I actually learned later that Princess Kaguya was heartbroken that she hadn't met Zero during our little trip to Kyoto, but other than that, the meeting was more successful than I could have hoped. We were fully funded, volunteers were pouring in after our victory in Narita. I remembered the first time Zero had mentioned that one word: Win. It was happening. It was really, truly happening. Nothing could bring me down.

Then I found out that Shirley's father had been killed……in a landslide……at Narita……the one I started in the Guren. I had killed Shirley's father.

_Please, PLEASE let Shirley be alright. Let it all just be a big lie. Her father's funeral was bad enough. I mean, if it's true, her mother is all alone now. Her mother wailed all through her father's funeral; if she's lost her daughter, too…It's just too much. I remember Suzaku's damning words at that funeral. I know he was angry, but still they weren't entirely untrue. What was worse was that I had been the one who did it, yet I couldn't even confess to Shirley what I had done. So I left Lelouch to comfort her instead. _

_Lelouch. Even though I started the landslide, he was the one who ordered it. I don't know how he got through that conversation without confessing everything; I wouldn't have been that strong, but he did it._

_Of course the Black Knights didn't get any orders from Zero for a couple of days, which suited me just fine. I just sat in my room and stared at old pictures of my family, wondering why I had to have friends on both sides of this stupid war. It was easy to hurt the enemy when it was faceless. It got alot harder once I was able to see Britannians as people, too. But it was at this moment that I realized, the hardest enemy to fight is the one that in cutting it, you cut yourself at the same time. That's what this felt like. I had hurt my dear friend, and it tore through me like a knife. It hurt almost as badly as when my brother died. _

_Lelouch must have been feeling the same. I wish I had known then, because I really could have used someone that understood…that could have held me. If I had known then Lelouch, would you have held me? Would you have let me hold you? Would,…would you hold me now?..._

_Wait. Deep Breath. I promised I wouldn't panic about Shirley until I learned the absolute truth. I'm a POW. I need to keep a clear head for when an escape opportunity presents itself. Now's not the time to get depressed…and certainly not the time to get all…touchy, feely. _

It wasn't the time then either. Soon enough, we got another call from Kyoto asking us to assist the JLF escape from Cornelia's forces. The plan was to cover them as they escaped with a massive supply of SakuraDite. We arrived, and Zero gave us our orders, but for the first time since that day we rescued Suzaku, I had serious doubts. Doubts that we were doing the right thing. Doubts that, looking back, weren't unfounded. The JLF 'apparently' committed suicide rather than be captured, taking their supply of SakuraDite with them. I was so enchanted by Zero back then that I didn't see, but I know Lelouch well enough now. He sacrificed them to open a path to Cornelia…

_That was low Lelouch. Even if the JLF was a fossil organization surviving mostly on its reputation, they didn't deserve to be used like that. When you told me that sacrifices would have to be made, that we would have to do things that could be deplorable, I didn't think you meant right then. I came to you before that battle for comfort, and what you basically told me was your battle plan to murder soldiers fighting for Japan…_

_And yet, you did comfort me as well. And, at least you didn't target innocent civilians like the Britannians often did…like I used to. Once again, I was amazed at how Zero saw right through my pain, how he wasn't just a charismatic military leader, but also a caring man, like my close friend, who knew more about me than I knew about myself._

_Did you know that sometimes I wished I could just go and be a normal student at Ashford with all of you on the Student Council, Lelouch? Did you know that I thought that if I had only done that, Shirley's father would still be alive? Is that why you gave me the option to leave? Because it was an option you yourself may have wanted, but no longer had the luxury to choose? You shared the same blame, the same burden, the same blood on your hands as I, Lelouch. So you gave me the option to go where you could not. All I knew then though, was that my leader understood my pain. There was no denying it then, I was in love with Zero. I couldn't leave, even with the pain of knowing I killed Shirley's father…_

_Shirley………No, you told yourself you wouldn't breakdown until you were sure!! Still, if Suzaku was telling the truth…And there's no reason he wouldn't be. Is there? Even with all that hatred towards Lelouch, he wouldn't stoop that low just to trick me? Would he…maybe? No, he wouldn't. As much as I hate to admit it, he wouldn't. But if that's true then…Shirley really is dead. She REALLY is dead…………SHE'S GONE!! I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE SHIRLEY AGAIN, AND I NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR KILLING HER FATHER!!_

* * *

…

…

…

…

…

…

_How long has it been since I've thought of anything but Shirley? Minutes? Hours? Not days surely. Nunnally wouldn't allow them to lock me up for days at a time without food or water. I'll have to talk to her about the lack of a clock in here though, not even a window. _

_I feel……numb. Why am I not still in pain? When my brother died, it was like a knife in my heart for days, weeks. Is this a defense mechanism? Does my body know that I simply can't afford to be like this right now? I hope so, otherwise it means I can't muster up any more pain for my best friend……I know I'm an awful person…at least, I've done awful things, but if I were that horrible, then maybe Suzaku's been right about me all along._

_And Lelouch. How are you holding up? You, who are so calculating when you're Zero, who plan everything out to the finest detail. But as Lelouch, your friends mean everything to you. When they're in danger, you become rash and hotheaded. If one of us really…died, how would you take it. You already left your entire army to rescue your sister; I don't blame you for that, not anymore at least, but if Shirley really died because she got too close to what you were doing, what are you doing now. Even C.C. and I together have trouble acting as a brake for you when you start to get irrational. If C.C. is all alone, can she stop you? _

It was like right after that battle where Lelouch sacrificed the JLF to get to Cornelia. As usual, the plan would have worked if not for the timely intervention of the Lancelot. I still feel I could have won that day if we hadn't been told to back out…by C.C., because Lelouch was too out of it to answer. I don't know much of what happened over the next few days. It's one of the things that Lelouch absolutely refuses to talk about, even to me. C.C. knows about it; they seem to have gotten really close during that time…or closer at any rate. (Damn, that's annoying.)

All I know for sure is Shirley followed us to the battle and saw Lelouch. And C.C. has mentioned that another one of the people that she had made a contract with was involved. (I can't even measure how unsettling the thought is that there are more people out there with those crazy eyes than just Lelouch and the Emperor.) Apparently, this one could read minds.

_That's just creepy. And apparently, he was walking around campus as well, listening to all our thoughts. Did he hear my thoughts, too? Was he surprised by them, or did he even care? He was obviously focused on Lelouch and C.C. From what C.C. has told me, he could tease apart your thoughts to their very core. As scary as that is, I almost wish someone like that was here to help me out now._

Anyway, because of what was happening with Lelouch and C.C., the activity for the Black Knights dropped considerably. I didn't mind since it gave me a chance for a repose with those Britannians that I had come to hold so dear. The main problem was that Lelouch, the one that constantly infuriated me, but the one I could be the most open with, was, obviously, not around. The rumors were quickly all over campus that he and Shirley were pretending not to know each other; more likely Shirley was Geassed. Lelouch doesn't talk about it, but in hindsight it makes sense.

It's too bad. Back when I thought Lelouch was just Lelouch, I was always rooting for Shirley (despite continued rumors that Lelouch and I were dating). I swear, both then and now, Lelouch may be a genius, but there are some things he just does NOT get. But then, even if I don't know the details, I can guess that this particular situation was far from normal. At the time though, I just explained away Lelouch's sudden disappearance on his incurable gambling habit.

Suzaku saw through it. Because Suzaku was good friend, the best friend anyone could ever have. Something must have happened between him and that mind reader though since Lelouch seemed to have new insight into his self-destructive behavior after that. Did he learn about Suzaku and his father? Who would have ever guessed that the Suzaku we all knew, the one who was so kind was also racked with so much pain? That's why our next operation was the worst for me since Narita.

* * *


	3. Black Rebellion

**Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. If I did, why would I be writing a story with speculations about Kallen's thoughts? Shouldn't I be working on the last 10 episodes of R2?**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Black Rebellion**

The mission: to rescue the Kyoshiro Tohdoh, the man responsible for the Miracle of Itsukushima, and arguably the best commander of the JLF. The JLF, for better or for worse, was all but gone now, and many of its members flocked to the Black Knights. However, Tohdoh had been captured by the Britannians and the Four Heavenly Swords needed us to help save him.

_I wonder, Lelouch, if you did destroy that JLF ship, did you foresee this, too?__ Was this part of your plan all along? I wouldn't put it past you. You think so many moves ahead, it's a wonder you can't predict the future._

As I understand it, Tohdoh was waiting for death like a true samurai who no longer had a lord to defend, but as usual, Zero's golden tongue gave hope where there had once been only despair. The rescue was going by the book except for one thing we did not count on. Those bastard Britannians had elected to have Suzaku act as the executioner for his own former sensei. And where there was Suzaku, there was also Lancelot. This time, however, Zero was prepared. With Zero, me and my Guren, and now Tohdoh and the Four Heavenly Swords, it was 7 on 1. Even more, Zero had figured out Suzaku's attack patterns perfectly, so it was only a matter of time before that White Armor went down. Finally, Tohdoh impaled it right through the cockpit; I was a little ticked that I hadn't gotten to strike the final blow after all that White Armor had put me through, but at least the pilot was dead…Or so I thought. He dodged it, just barely. "He's fast. Even faster than me," I thought with a tinge of jealousy. That went away quickly though as the pilot came into view. Suzaku.

_I froze up. For the first time ever in a battle, I absolutely froze up. Suzaku was only supposed to be working for the R&D department. He was supposed effect change from within while I did it from without, and we would meet in the middle. That's what I thought. I only slowly became aware that Tohdoh and the others were surrounding Suzaku without waiting for Zero to give orders. Orders that of course weren't coming, right, Lelouch? I may have frozen up, but you must have been absolutely catatonic. Finally, you ordered the retreat._

_As we returned to base, I couldn't conceive how this day could be any worse. But I took comfort in the fact that Zero was always in control. When we got back, he would tell me what I needed to hear…but instead, you wouldn't come out, Lelouch. And over the intercom, I heard you…laughing. An empty laugh that was a mixture of despair and madness. Fortunately, I was the only one with an open channel at that point, or I'm pretty sure the moral for the Black Knights would have plummeted. I know mine did. _

Maybe that's why I did what I did next. I was so confused that I didn't know what was right or wrong. All I knew was that Zero, the man I admired most, that comforted me when I needed it most, that I…loved, he was in pain. And the source of that pain was Suzaku Kururugi.

That's the state that Diethard Reid found me after a meeting with Zero's top advisors. He never stated directly that Zero had ordered the execution of Suzaku, but he did make several suggestions to that effect. Then he reminded me that, as of that morning, I was leader of Zero Squadron. It was my duty to protect Zero from any threat. I was his bodyguard. Plus, as a student at Ashford, I had the perfect opportunity. So I made my decision, I would assassinate Suzaku Kururugi.

_I'm an idiot. I know I was emotionally distraught when Reid found me, but still, how did I not see through this? I am reasonably intelligent after all; I'm one of Ashford's top students. But then, I've already pointed out that that's not hard…and even if it were, it only would only make me as intelligent as a really smart high school student. I have neither the years of experience like Tohdoh, nor the advanced education of Ohgi and some of the others, nor the natural genius of Lelouch or Kaguya. It's no wonder Lelouch only put me in charge of a squadron; sure, my battle skills are great, but I'm no strategist. Without Zero or C.C. or Tohdoh or…well anyone to tell me what to do, I'm really just loose cannon. At least I'm smart enough to figure that out…Still, Lelouch didn't put me in charge of just any squadron. It was Zero Squadron, his personal squadron…and that's enough for me, as long as I can stay close to him……as long as he has faith in me._

_Faith that would have been shattered if I had done what I was about to do. Kill one of his best friends…our best friends. What's worse is that it wasn't even the first time. I was going to kill Shirley way back, when I thought she knew I was a terrorist. Now, I was about to do the same to Suzaku. I'm...just...horrible._

_But Lelouch, it's like you could see into my mind…or maybe you just deduced Diethard intentions. Either way, you caught me just in time. That's so like you Lelouch, looking out for your best friend while pretending not to know a thing. Or were you looking out for me, too? After all, if I had succeeded, not only would Suzaku be dead, but I could never have returned to my life at Ashford. I would have had to live with knowledge that I had killed one of my best friends…And not even in battle, but by stabbing him in the back at a party surrounded by friends congratulating him on becoming a Knight. It just occurred to me, I've never thanked you for that day……Thank you, Lelouch. _

_Well, at least one good thing came out of that experience. I learned to hate Diethard Reid. I've told Lelouch. I've told C.C. I do NOT trust that man, not as far as I can throw him……Well, that might be a bad analogy since with proper leverage, I think I could toss that bastard pretty far, especially if there was a cliff or something to that effect nearby. _

So, thank goodness, the assassination was a bust, and soon enough Zero came up with much better plan, to capture Suzaku during some sort of escort mission of a mysterious VIP. I was so relieved that almost cried.

Fortunately, with Rakshata's ingenious Gefjun Disturber we were able to hold Suzaku in place without harming him. Unfortunately, we underestimated just how expendable the Britannian military viewed their newest Knight. They were going to have him hold Zero while they carpeted the whole place with missiles. And Suzaku, loyal to a fault, even to those that in no way deserve it, was going along with it. I was so desperate for Suzaku to release Zero, I even revealed myself to him, but he didn't pay any heed to me. His focus was entirely on Zero.

_And that's when you Geassed him, right Lelouch? You told me that he's the one person you never wanted to use it on, but for his own sake, you did. For a friend that sought only to punish himself, to sacrifice himself, you gave him the most basic of commands. One that is infused in the psyches of all living things, but Suzaku had lost. Survive. _

_I know he was your friend, Lelouch. He was mine, too. But as things stand now, I wonder if that command was a big mistake. _

And as it turns out, the command was unnecessary, because we survived without its help. Somehow, I don't rightly know how—though I _do_ know C.C. knows something about it—four of us ended up on the island of Kaminejima: Lelouch, Suzaku, Princess Euphemia and me.

On a deserted island with the man I admired most, and I just had to end up with Suzaku instead. The worst part isn't that he caught me, it's how he did it. I know I swore after the…incident with Lelouch that I would pay more attention in the shower, but I thought I was alone on a freaking island for crying out loud. But then there he was, staring right at me. (At least he had the decency to maintain eye contact.) But that doesn't change the fact that he caught me…naked. Although, I have to admit, him trying to cover me with his side arm as he let me get dressed while only half-looking would have been hilarious if it had been happening to someone other than me.

_A prisoner of Suzaku. I suppose that if I had to be a POW, having Suzaku be my warden wasn't so bad, at least back then. Now, it's all different…all wrong. But then, when we were still friends, it was okay. I mean, I quickly got tired of his rhetoric, but he was as kind as could be expected under the circumstances. I just couldn't believe that he actually expected me to leave the Black Knights, to just become a slave of Britannia like he had done. He said my methods, Zero's methods had no future. Part of me understood. Whatever the reason, at the end of the day I was still killing people. _

_But it's not like he was any better. He served a government that slaughtered women and children on a regular basis; that subjugated one territory after another and made its people into second class citizens; that killed to the last man enemy combatants that had laid down their arms. And he couldn't deny it, that he had taken part in some of those operations himself. _

_At least Zero never deliberately targeted civilians. In fact, he went to great lengths to make good on his promise that only those who are prepared to fight should die in battle. Not like the Britannian government that Suzaku served. Not like the terrorist I used to be. But then Suzaku dropped a bomb shell on me; he had killed his own father…_

_It explained so much so quickly. Why he was always trying to punish himself. Why he preferred structured systems of rules and regulations over the actions of any single individual. Why he was so uncompromising in his principles. Still, it made me weary. It made me wonder who was right or wrong. Was my brother right or wrong with the way he lived and the way he died? Were the very Britannians that I was fighting, that died while honestly believing it was for the greater good right or wrong? Whether using Zero's methods or Suzaku's, innocent people still die. Good people on both sides still die. I guess, there just is no 'good' way to fight a war. It was with these heavy thoughts that I finally drifted off to sleep…wondering when Zero would come and rescue me…_

_Of course, Lelouch, you needed rescuing, too. Because you were just as stuck as I was, with _her_. I don't like to think of her. She's the one that changed Suzaku. She must have been. After what she did. I know what Suzaku must think, since he knows about Geass, but it can't be true. I know you well enough to know that, Lelouch. Still, I know you haven't told me everything yet…and honestly, I'm afraid to know. _

The next day when I saw Zero with Euphemia, I didn't know what to think, but I took the opportunity to try to escape. Then, everything happened so fast, I'm still not sure what happened, but somehow Zero and I escaped with a brand new Knightmare, the Gawain. The first model with a float system and Hadron Cannons. It was incomplete, but Rakshata took care of that quickly enough. In fact, she finished not a moment too soon.

* * *

Some of the members of the old Japanese government were staging a coup with the help of the Chinese Federation. However, Zero said that such an action would merely make Japan a puppet of the Chinese rather than Britannia. It was then that he revealed his grandest design yet. A free Japan, an independent Japan. That which we all wanted, but none of us dared seriously consider. Therefore, it was Zero's decision to stop this coup with the help of Britannia, and thus it was that Zero's Gawain and Suzaku's Lancelot fought side-by-side. And, of course, they succeeded.

_I recall Lelouch once saying that with him and Suzaku together, there was nothing they couldn't do. Knowing now that Lelouch is Zero now, it pains me to say it, but he's right. As good as I am as pilot, I'm no better than Suzaku. Plus, in hand-to-hand Suzaku has me beat. With his power and Lelouch's mind, there really isn't anything the two of them couldn't pull off together. I can't help but feel that that makes me Lelouch's second choice, his second best option. A runner up, only by his side because his first choice is now his mortal enemy. _

_What is this weight on my chest? This is Lelouch I'm thinking about…I admire him as Zero, and as Lelouch he's one of my best friends…and that's it. I mean, I admit, I was in love with Zero, but that was before I knew who he really was. Now it's just admiration and friendship. But if you add admiration and friendship together, what do you get…? Forget it._

_Yes, I feel like a runner up, but that doesn't make it any less tragic that Lelouch and Suzaku are enemies. That day when they crushed that coup attempt together, it was practically like poetry in motion. And they are so much alike, it's almost like they're two halves of the same whole…They hate injustice…They want to protect those dear to them…They want to change a world full of corruption…They even both want to make the world peaceful for the sake of Nunnally. If not for their difference in methods, they would be on the same side. _

_You know, just a while ago, I even slapped Suzaku like I'm always slapping Lelouch around when he steps out of line. Truly, those two are so alike it's almost scary. _

* * *

Immediately after the coup attempt, Zero dropped off the radar for awhile and some of the Black Knights were getting anxious, particularly with the promise of the New Japan that Zero dangled in front of us. If any of us had known that the reason our new nation was being placed on hold was because Lelouch couldn't get out of his duties managing the cultural festival, I don't know what the reaction would have been.

It was because of this lack of communication that I agreed (reluctantly) to go along with another of Diethard's plans. (I really, REALLY hate that man.) Basically, he wanted me to go back to Ashford and gather intelligence, particularly on Suzaku. By now, I was smart enough to know there was more to it than that, but I agreed knowing full well that my identity had been compromised.

Surprisingly enough though, no one greeted me any differently than usual. I made it all the way to Suzaku, ready to demand answers. As it turns out though, I was worried for nothing. Suzaku hadn't told his superiors anything about me other than the fact that he had detained the pilot of the Guren while on Kaminejima. My identity at school, for now, was safe.

_Suzaku, you'll never know how grateful I was for that. Even if it was only for a very short time, I got to enjoy being with you and the others on the Student Council. For that brief time, I still had my little sanctuary at Ashford for when everything became too much. You said at school you would try to convince me rather than fight me; you never would have succeeded, but the sentiment was appreciated. _

_You know, I think that's the only time I've ever known Suzaku to break the rules._

But our conversation was cut short by…Lelouch, who was obviouly NOT expecting me to be there. He undoubtedly was terrified that Suzaku and I were about to get in a knife fight in the storage room. Suzaku made a cryptic statement about how 'that' incident shouldn't affect our relationship at school, clearly with no comprehension that the man before us knew more about it than probably either of us did. Lelouch just smiled and turned his attention on me…

_I said it then, and I'll say it now. "Damn you, Lelouch." I knew our relationship mostly consisted of trying to get a rise out of each other, but this was really too much. Acting like a ghoul in a hunted house! The costume was hot enough, but when I then had to crouch in that uncomfortable position in front of that hot screen waiting for people to happen by, it was hell. _

_I was supposed to be the demure, sick girl. This was _not_ the kind of job you assign to sick girl. Didn't he have even a shred of decency? True, even if Lelouch hadn't been Zero, he _did_ know I was stronger than I appeared. At least I can get some gratification in the knowledge that Lelouch is so weak that he would get wiped out walking from the clubhouse to the classroom in a stiff headwind. And to think that first day at the clubhouse bathroom, I actually accused him of being pretty fast. _

_At any rate, in the end, even if the job was a pain, it yielded some unexpected results. Ohgi was there, with a Britannian. Villetta Nu. I learned that name almost a year later when Lelouch revealed that she was one of the intelligence officers meant to keep tabs on him. Apparently, Lelouch has used her connection to Ohgi to blackmail her into helping him. But that still doesn't explain why she was with Ohgi in the first place. Did Ohgi betray Zero? Betray all of us? I can't believe that, but I can't reconcile the facts either. _

I took Ohgi and Villetta to a storage room to question them, but to my surprise, Lelouch was there (and apparently Ohgi and I being there was a shock to him, too). Then Shirley and Suzaku showed up. And it turns out C.C. was there as well. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we had all just met that day, but it doesn't matter since both Lelouch and I, independently, set up different distractions so C.C. and Ohgi could escape. Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The rest of the day pasted without incident until Suzaku was making a giant pizza with an old Ganymede Knightmare frame from the days when the Ashford name was one to call for Knightmares. Unknown to me or anyone else, Lelouch and Nunnally were meeting their sister, Euphemia.

_What were you talking about Lelouch. Did you believe her? Did you know what would happen? Did you anticipate a disaster? Is that why you went to meet her? Or was what happened part of your own…? No, that's not you. You've done some horrible things, that's true, but nothing more horrible than I have done. At least, not that I know of…But then, why won't you ever talk to me about it? _

_The only thing you told me when I dared to bring up the subject was that you 'loved Euphie.' And when you said 'love', it wasn't 'love' like when you say you love Nunnally, or when I say I loved my brother. It was more like that 'uncomfortable-feeling-for-your-cousin love.' I swear, if this is what the royal family is like, it's no wonder Britannia is so screwed up. They're being led by a bunch of inbred hicks. (I guess, it's a good thing that Lelouch and Nunnally's mother was a commoner, or they both might have been born with six toes on each foot.) _

_Wow, those thoughts came out of nowhere. I guess denial can do some funny things. Because as hard as I try, I just can't deny it anymore. Princess Euphemia announced the Administrative Region of Japan, a place where we would have our dignity back. But after she met you Lelouch, something went horribly wrong. And the only logical conclusion…simply can't be true._

* * *

The Special Administrative Region of Japan. Announced at the Ashford Cultural Festival as the brain child of Princess Euphemia li Britannia. Endorsed by Prince Schneizel el Britannia and Princess Cornelia li Britannia. It was either the greatest victory or greatest defeat in Japanese history depending on who was asked. Yes, it would give Japan a shred of its dignity back, but at the cost of forever being a puppet state to the Empire. And worst of all, the Black Knights would have to support it. If we didn't we would be vilified by the very people that we had hoped to liberate.

Zero…Lelouch, he agreed to meet with the princess to discuss the Black Knights involvement in this 'New Age.' He arrived on the Gawain with the rest of us on standby in case something happened. He and Euphemia met privately; the meeting only lasted a few minutes, and then Euphemia returned, Zero hot on her heels. And she shot an unarmed old man.

Then she ordered her soldiers to kill every Japanese person…not just the ones in the stadium, not even just all the Japanese in a single ghetto like Clovis or Cornelia. All of them. Every last one.

Zero ordered us to action. He said that the Administrative Region had just been a ruse to lure us in. He ordered us to protect the Japanese people, and to find and kill Euphemia. Purely by accident, I was the one that cornered the princess. I was seeing so much red at that point that I was elated with the prospect that I was the one that would get to deliver judgment upon her. But Zero…Lelouch, he stopped me. I asked if we were going to take her prisoner, but no. He simply seemed to need to be the one to fire the killing shot. So that's what he did.

_Why did you have to be the one to kill her, Lelouch? Was it to make sure she would keep quiet? Did she have a horrible secret that you couldn't let come to the surface? Or was it simply out of some twisted sense of obligation?_

_The facts don't add up…Suzaku, he loved Euphemia. He was so kind, so uncompromising in his principles. He wouldn't have loved anyone who didn't share that with him. I've hated Euphemia for so long…but she can't possibly have been who I remember her to be if Suzaku was so devoted to her…She can't possibly have been a person that would have ordered the eradication of Suzaku's people. Suzaku has allowed himself to be corrupted, but it was Euphemia's death that triggered that corruption, not her life…It was her death that caused him to turn down the path of hatred._

_Hatred for Zero…for you Lelouch. Hatred for the power of Geass, the power to change a person's very core. To order a kind and gentle princess to order mass genocide. That's the kind of power you hold Lelouch. And to be certain, the massacre did have a desirable effect. All the people of Japan were united for the first time in a long time against Britannia. It gave us the momentum to push Britannia right out of our land and made the Black Knights heroes. The sacrifice of those few Japanese would usher in a new age for Japan as a whole…and no one would be the wiser._

_But that goes against _your_ very core, Lelouch. Against the words of Zero that those without power should not be sacrificed to the strong. No matter how tactically sound, you've always stood by those words. Yes, you've made sacrifices, of soldiers, of people that made the commitment to fight. You've never endangered the innocent, not deliberately at any rate. It's like, the physical evidence of a crime and the motive don't match up. Almost like it was…an accident. _

_Is that what happened? I know your Geass is too strong for you to control without that contact that C.C. gave you. Without it, your left eye has that red tint with a sigil resembling a bird in it; it's beautiful in a way. It was like that when we finally reunited at Babel. It was like that when Suzaku unmasked you at Kaminejima, too. How long has it been like that? Did you even notice the change when it happened? Did it happen in that room with Euphemia?_

_You said you loved Euphemia. Were you trying to stop her? Were you desperate to stop her? Was killing her your last choice? If that's true, Lelouch, you have much blood to atone for, but still, I'm sorry. _

_And Suzaku, I'm sorry to you, too._

Suzaku tried to rescue her. He came out of the sky so quickly that both Lelouch and I hardly had time to react. He just grabbed her and was gone. But it was too late. Even from up in the cockpit of my Guren, it was clear, the shot was fatal.

But at the time, I didn't care. I could not have cared less about the princess that slaughtered my people. All I cared about was that Zero had officially announced the creation of the United States of Japan. We were our own country, in spirit if not yet in reality. All that was left was to push the Britannians out of our land……I just hoped none of the Student Council would get wrapped up in all this: Rival, Nina, Milly, Shirley, Nunnally……even Lelouch.

* * *

The final stage of the Black Rebellion had begun once we reached the capital. I suppose in 'Lelouch-speak,' it would be called End Game. As usual, Zero had things planned out well in advance. Cornelia arrayed most of her forces on the outskirts of the city. She never thought that Zero would gain access to the controls to purge the steps in place in the event of a massive earthquake. Just like that, we had a huge advantage. Meanwhile, the Gawain was taking care of the aerial forces with its Hadron Cannon. With Zero acting as the both our battle coordinator and our eyes in the sky, it almost seemed like this fight would be over before it began…but that was not to be. With the main Britannian forces falling back, Zero decided to take control of the air waves and set up a command center…at Ashford Academy.

_Lelouch, you just wanted to keep them all safe, I realize that now. But at the time, I was terrified. What if someone with a loose trigger finger shot a student. Shot one of my friends. At the very least, the students had to be obedient. That's why I revealed myself to them, knowing that they would probably hate me for the rest of our lives. Still, my presence seemed to reassure them in some way. Nonetheless, Shirley was freaked out…Rival was speechless…and Milly…Milly seemed oddly unfazed. _

_I wonder now how much Milly figured out. She already knew I was half Japanese, a secret she never shared with anyone, not even now. But she knew other secrets, too. Lelouch's history as an exiled prince of Britannia. His murdered mother. How Nunnally was crippled. His hatred of Britannia. With me revealing myself as a Black Knight, our concurrent school absences must have been seen by her in a whole new light. Did you know Milly, who was behind the mask of the man to my right? Is that why you were so cooperative? _

_I'm so sorry to all of you for putting you through that. Lelouch has told me that, other than Nina, you all still speak well of me. That you even tried to get Suzaku to ask the governor for a pardon or something for me. But with your memories altered, you don't even know the governor is your old friend, Nunnally, and I doubt Suzaku will be reminding you any time soon. Still, your concern, even after all I did to you…it's more than I deserve. _

I couldn't stay at Ashford long. I needed to get out on the battlefield, the only place I'm really useful in the grand scheme of things. The battle was going well, until we got a report of a single unit tearing through our ranks. A White Armor. No big surprise there, but Suzaku fought with a new intensity fueled by his new hatred. I know he said that he would show no mercy on the battlefield, but his ferocity was nearly insanity. Plus, he had a new float system on the Lancelot. He and I had always been about evenly matched, but now suddenly, he had a huge advantage. I put up a hell of a fight, but in the end, his advantage in the sky was just too much. And this new Suzaku, he was going to kill me for not telling him where Zero was. Fortunately for me, Zero came to meet him…

_Did you see that I needed your help from your perch in the Gawain high in the sky Lelouch? I know you had a trap set up for the Lancelot at Ashford, and that you needed to act like a lure to get him ensnared. Still, your timing could not have been more perfect for my sake. So, even with the entire battle raging, with thousands of units needing your attention, were you still paying special attention to your Q-1? Damn, why didn't I think to ask you some of these things when I had the chance._

But then everything went all wrong. As I was getting repairs done to my Guren, the announcement came that Zero had left the battle in Tohdoh's hands. We were losing ground and our people were being massacred without his leadership. Ohgi had been shot (by Villetta, I wonder?). He pleaded with me to find Zero, that his actions made no sense. But I didn't know where to find him; fortunately someone did, so I followed him.

_Of course, your actions make perfect sense to me now Lelouch. After all, I once had an older brother willing to do anything to protect me. Willing to sacrifice all he had gained for me. I guess, that's partly why he's dead now. But at the time, when Suzaku fired and your helmet came off…nothing made sense at that point._

_Zero, leader of the Black Knights, the person I admired most, the man I thought I was in love with, was…Lelouch, my friend from Ashford that irritated me to no end with his verbal barbs and snide grin. And Suzaku was accusing him of having special powers, of using those powers to be "arrogant and sly" while not putting himself in any real danger. Had he been using us the whole time…using me? The Lelouch from school, had he just been pretending to me my friend, laughing at my stupidity the whole time? Suzaku certainly didn't seem to have an ounce of trust in his best friend any longer; he claimed he had lied to everyone, even Nunnally._

_Nunnally. At least that one part of Lelouch wasn't a lie. He loved his sister more than anyone. He was begging Suzaku to help him find her. As a little sister myself, this was the only part of the conversation that made any sense…or at least it would have…my brain had stopped registering what was going on several minutes earlier. Until things escalated to the point that Lelouch strapped a bomb to his chest. _

_Would you have really done it Lelouch? Would you have killed us all? Suzaku and I? He was your best friend. And I, I meant something to you, right? It had to be a bluff. Your actions weren't making any sense. If you blew up yourself, Suzaku and I, who would have saved Nunnally? Granted, you were mad with fear for your sister, Suzaku was mad from the grief of losing Euphemia, and I was just plain mad at you for betraying me. It's fair to say none of us in that cave were quite capable of making rational decisions at that particular moment. _

_Finally, you pointed guns at each other. Dumb move, Lelouch. There aren't many people who can dodge bullets, but it's no surprise that Suzaku is one of them. Suzaku shot the gun right from your hand, took you down and ripped the bomb from your chest so fast, I barely had the chance to yell, "Zero!!" _

_And there you were, Zero or Lelouch, I wasn't sure which one, subdued by Suzaku. I wanted to help you. I wanted to still believe in you. I wanted it so badly……but everything had happened so fast. Suzaku insisted that you were just using me, and Suzaku had always watched out for me before, even after finding out we were enemies. Lelouch, you were always watching out for me as well, of course…You had done so more times than I could count, but that was all a jumble in my mind. A jumble of memories of two people that I had just found out were actually one single person. So I wanted to run over to you, to even take a bullet from the gun that Suzaku had trained on me, if just to give you a slight chance at escape…_

_But instead I ran._

* * *


	4. Kick Start

**Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. (Honestly, are these things necessary at the start of every chapter? Do any of you honestly believe that I obtained the rights to Code Geass between chapters 3 and 4?)**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Kick Start**

When I got back into my Guren, I immediately tuned into our main frequency. Those of our forces not killed or captured were in full retreat, as per Tohdoh's orders. As I drove Guren down the beach, looking for a place to lie low and plan what to do next, tears streamed down my face. We had been so close. Now Zero…Lelouch was captured and would probably be executed, and all our hopes with him. Most of my comrades were probably either dead or captured as well. It was almost too much bear……Then something caught my eye. Something washed up on the beach, with a recognizable tangled mass of green hair.

I hopped out of the Guren and was horrified to find the body of C.C., crushed to death. Every bone in her body looked broken and she was covered with cuts and bruises. We had never really gotten along, but I couldn't just leave her body there, so I took it with me. I found a cave, remarkably similar to the one where I first met C.C. and started to dig a grave for her inside. I thought that it was the least I could do while I figured out where to go. Once I was done digging that shallow grave, I went to put her body in, but then I noticed that her hand was slightly warm. Not at all cold and clammy like it had been only a couple hours ago. As I looked closer, I noticed that she had fewer cuts and scrapes. Her bones even seemed to be mending in a matter of hours. I checked for a pulse just as one of her eyes weakly opened…

"Kallen?"

"C.C.!! You're alive!" I exclaimed.

"There isn't much that can kill me," she said, taking in our surroundings. "Where's Zero?"

I lowered my gaze. "Suzaku has him."

"But he's alive?" C.C. asked.

"Last I saw," I answered without looking up.

"Good," she said.

"How's that good!? He'll be publicly humiliated and executed!" I exclaimed, not entirely sure if Lelouch didn't deserve it.

"The Emperor won't execute him…not if I'm right," C.C. said with such confidence I wanted to slap her.

"Why would the Emperor give a damn about Lelouch?!"

My use of his real name didn't escape her. "So you know?"

"Know what!! That Lelouch is a bastard that used us all, then abandoned us just when we needed him most…"

"That was my fault," C.C. interrupted. I looked up confused. "I'm the one who told him his sister was kidnapped. I'm even pretty sure I know who did it. Forgive me, Kallen. If I had kept my mouth shut, Japan may be free right now, but Lelouch would have lost his reason for fighting in the first place, and I couldn't do that to him."

"You choose Lelouch over the whole of Japan," I choked out.

"As per our contract," C.C., simply answered standing up slowly, obviously in extreme pain.

"Hey, you shouldn't even be able to stand," I said.

"There's no time to waste. If we are to have any hope of success, we need to gather what little forces remain quickly." C.C. said, moving towards the Guren. "Come, Kallen. I'll try to explain on the way all the things that Lelouch would only trust you to know."

"Lelouch doesn't trust me," I said flatly.

"No, Kallen. Actually, I think he trusts you more than anyone," C.C. answered.

I looked strait into those golden eyes of hers and said, "Not as much as you."

She just gave me a sad smile and said, "Perhaps, but he was forced to trust me by circumstance. He chose to trust you."

* * *

Just as C.C. said, we quickly gathered up the Black Knights that remained and still believed in Zero's miracle. Almost all the senior members were either captured or in exile. (Much to my chagrin, Diethard was one of the ones that escaped rather than was captured. I was much more relieved to hear about Rakshata and Kaguya.) The only senior member left that was still free but hadn't fled was Urabe, one of the Four Heavenly Swords. Not surprising, really. Tohdoh and The Heavenly Swords wouldn't abandon Japan even if the entire island were burning to ash around them, save by their lord's leave; they would be samurai to the end. Thank goodness we found Urabe. I'm no strategist, and for all C.C.'s talents, military tactics isn't one of them.

Still, C.C. insisted that we keep the truth about Lelouch between only the two of us. And what a truth it was. He was a prince and Nunnally a princess, the son and daughter of the late Empress Marianne vi Britannia. He fought for revenge against the conspiring nobles that stole his mother's life and his sister's eyes and legs. He fought to create a peaceful world where his sister could be happy. And he did it with the help of the power of Geass. Thus, he donned the identity of Zero in order to protect his anonymity, not for himself, but to prevent Zero from being connected to his sister.

_It was weird, but hearing about your two lives made me feel closer to you than ever before, Lelouch. Two lives, both acting as a mask for the other. You've been wearing a mask ever since you abandoned the name vi Britannia and became Lelouch Lamperouge. That was your first false life. But false though it may have been, there were nonetheless aspects of that life you needed to protect: Nunnally and the Student Council. So when the time came, you took on a second mask, the mask of Zero. _

_I would like to think I got close to you in both your lives, Lelouch, even if both lives were masks. In one you were my friend. In the other you were my leader. But what does that make me in your real life? The one without masks. Am I even there? Or is the me in that part of your life an amalgamation of the two, both a friend and a comrade-in-arms? Maybe it's not even simple addition. Maybe it's more than the sum of its parts……Wait, what!? What am I talking about?_

_Although, I can relate Lelouch. There was a time when I only had one mask, the one I wore at Ashford to hide my true self…the terrorist. But I abandoned that self when I became a Black Knight. Except, I didn't really completely abandon that aspect of myself. Instead, my terrorist-self started becoming a mask, too. One that hid from my Japanese comrades my compassion for the Britannian friends I had come to love so much, because I didn't think most of them would understand. I realize now, Lelouch, my true self is somewhere between my Ashford self and my Black Knight self, just as your true self is somewhere between Lelouch and Zero. In fact, I may be the only one that can understand you in that way. _

_However, while many of these revelations about you, Lelouch, made me feel closer to you than ever before, there was one that during that whole year drove what felt like a needle through my brain. _

When I asked C.C. if Lelouch had used Geass on the Black Knights to make us loyal, she answered, "He's never used Geass on any of the senior Black Knights, except you." Except me? She did not know the details, only that Lelouch once told her that he had already used Geass on Shirley, Suzaku and me. She was aware of the circumstances surrounding the first two instances, but wasn't privy to when or why he Geassed me. She did explain that after they got separated in Shinjuku, it took her awhile to track Lelouch down. As a result, she had no knowledge of what he may have done with his Geass during that time, so that was probably when it happened. I know now what happened, but for that whole year, I couldn't help but feel the whole reason I was staying was because of Geass. C.C. insisted that wasn't very likely since every time Geass activates, it results in memory loss; she said that I was so loyal that if it were caused by Geass, I would have huge chunks of my memory missing. It was only because C.C. told me that that I could sleep at night.

_C.C. It's almost weird how close we got in that year. I used to…well, not hate her…but I did not want to be anywhere near her. Now, it feels strange being separated from her so long like this. We almost became like…I hate to admit it…but like sisters. I guess that would make her the condescending older one and me the jealous younger one. After all, she loves making little jabs at my expense (even more than Lelouch), and for some reason, I keep letting her get to me…_

_Part of me still seethes whenever I remember her favorite little slights that she delivered on a daily basis. "I've kissed Lelouch, you know. The day of the Black Rebellion. Have you kissed him yet? For that matter, have you kissed anybody?" Which was only surpassed by, "You know, most girls get their first kiss before a man sees them naked, let alone multiple men." Honestly, since I knew she couldn't die anyway, there were times I thought about bludgeoning her, but that would have been too hard to explain to Urabe and the others, so I held back. _

_Still, there have been times during missions, when she thinks I can't hear her, when she says, "I'm counting on you, Kallen." And I have to admit, her approval has come to mean alot to me. She doesn't give out advice to many—I think because she's gotten tired of not being taken seriously—but she always seems to have time to talk to me when I get confused. Tamaki should really learn to listen to her. I know now, C.C.'s advice comes from years of experience, and it's not wise to ignore it. If I did, I doubt I would have survived that year._

Like that time at Aomori. It was early when the Britannians found our hiding place and mounted an assault to wipe out the last of the Black Knights. I had been showering—of course—and was forced to attend the briefing with C.C. and Urabe in nothing but a towel. (Suffice to say, C.C. likes to bring this up frequently.) It was only because of Urabe and C.C.'s quick thinking that let us escape. Unfortunately, they did get a mug shot of me during that operation (fully clothed, thank God).

Long story short, when it got out that the 'Eleven's Ace' Kozuki Kallen was none other than Kallen Stadtfeld, the Stadtfeld family's status in the Empire dropped like a rock. Honestly, I don't give a damn how much of a problem this caused for my step-mother. Still, even though I only met him a couple times a year and I really don't know his reasons for doing so, I can't deny that my father took me, his illegitimate daughter, into his household. And that gave me opportunities I never would have had as an 'Eleven' girl. I don't know what's happened to him since then, but, even if it's only a little, I do feel sorry for the trouble I've caused him.

After that, we had to move our base...again. It was becoming a hassle. We simply didn't have the men to do everything we needed to get done. Particularly with the search for Nunnally taking such high priority for reasons that only C.C. and I understood. At least it wasn't hard to find Lelouch. Just as C.C. said, the Emperor didn't harm him. As it turned out, an old acquaintance of C.C. (she's never elaborated on that) gave the old man a Geass, too. The ability to rewrite memories. So that's what he did. He rewrote Lelouch's memories, as well as the memories of the Student Council members. He replaced all the faculty at Ashford with Intelligence agents. He even completely replaced most of the student body. Then he gave Lelouch a fake brother to keep tabs on him, basically making Ashford…_my_ Ashford…into a prison for Lelouch, and a trap…for C.C.

Because it was a trap, we had to plan carefully. C.C. knew that we, the Black Knights, needed Lelouch back if we were ever to survive. I think part of her felt guilty. After all, she admitted that if she hadn't told Lelouch about Nunnally, we could have won the Black Rebellion. Therefore, trap or no, we had to make a move soon. And C.C. knew she would have to walk right in and spring that trap to free Lelouch.

* * *

Attacking Ashford was clearly out. Besides the fact that it would have put my friends in danger, it was too well protected by the Intelligence Agency. We needed to get Lelouch in a place where there weren't lots of innocent people and the Intelligence Agency couldn't move freely. Fortunately, one thing Lelouch did not lose with his memories was his gambling habit. And he was going to progressively more shady places to satisfy it. It was almost like part of him knew something was wrong, and he was stretching himself out, pushing his life to its absolute limit to find out where the lies ended. That's when he started frequenting Babel Tower.

It was pretty much the lowest of the all the low places in all of Tokyo. Fights to the death. Prostitution. Slavery. And, of course, gambling. Since it was controlled by the Mafia, the Intelligence Agency would have limited access there. Plus, it was conveniently located near the Chinese Embassy; I don't know how or when C.C. first made contact with them, but she already had a contact or two that would prove useful later on. Therefore, that's where we decided to make our move. All we needed was to secure Lelouch and then get C.C. close enough to return his memories. Securing Lelouch fell to me…I almost felt honored, until I found out what it entailed.

_That bunny suit. I hate that suit. Lelouch and C.C., both mention it whenever the opportunity arises. It was revealing and humiliating, but it was the easiest way to get in without looking suspicious. I remember, as I gawked at the revealing outfit, C.C. just said, "It's not like any of the rest of us can pass ourselves off as a Bunny Girl." What a load. C.C. could have just fine, but I was in too much shock to think that at the time. _

_I later confronted her about it, that damned bunny suit, leading to yet another…wardrobe malfunction in the process. Fortunately, one of the guys there was a eunuch, but the other one, Xingke, that was simply humiliating. The fact that he then attempted friendly conversation only seemed to make it worse. But that particular conversation was cut short, so I had to bring it up again later when Lelouch was there. Lelouch smiled and said, "If my captivity was merely a trap for C.C., wouldn't it have been unwise to make her the…'front man,' so to speak." "Precisely," C.C. said even though it was clear that this was the first time she had thought of that herself. _

_I hate it when they do that. When the two of them gang up on me. It used to be that Lelouch would be the one to rise my ire at school, and C.C. would do it at Black Knight H.Q. Now that Lelouch doesn't need to hide behind the Zero mask in front of me anymore, they can do it together. Either one of them can be annoying; both together is downright infuriating. The only upside is that C.C. seems equally willing to gang up with me against Lelouch. Now, those moments, I enjoy. You know, for some reason, Lelouch and I have never ganged up on C.C. Maybe it's because we both sense that it would be…unwise. _

_Still, the point is, I HATE that bunny suit. But, it was for you, Lelouch…and for Zero. And I needed to get close to you, to ask you why I should still believe in your miracle._

So I did. I got close to him. I spilled some drinks on him, purely out of spite. I shot those words that he had once told me in the park back in his face, and _he_ told _me_ not to push my values on him. It was such a relief to hear that voice again, but at the same time, I was starting to get angry, making the whole Bunny Girl act much more difficult. I needed to place the tracker on him quickly, but that's when that mafia bastard grabbed me from behind, calling me merchandise.

I could have killed him in a second, but it would have ruined the whole mission. Lelouch's fake brother from the Agency was right there, and I had no idea of his capabilities. I needed to separate the two if the plan were to work. And that's when it happened. Lelouch, even though he had no memory of me, put himself on the line to save me…with a chess battle.

_Would you have done that for any of the other poor bunny girls, Lelouch? Or did you have some sort of subconscious memory of me that compelled you to protect me like you used to? You've told me that during that year, you and the other Student Council members spoke fondly of me. And even though I have a hard time picturing you speaking of anyone fondly other than your sister, it means so much that all of you did not hate me for what I did. Still, your eyes didn't seem to register my face when we looked at each other. I know that many of your memories of me must have been jumbled with the memories of Zero that were taken from you, so I guess it's no surprise that your memories of me would be, at best, fuzzy. Even so, you stood up to rescue me. I suppose whether you remembered me or not is a moot point, because while you were sitting there, playing a game with my freedom on the line, all the anger I had pent up over the past year started to fade…_

_Which was good for you, otherwise, I really would have let you have it. _

Of course, for all your brilliance Lelouch, you can be a real fool. Did you honestly think that a man from the mafia would just let you and me go because you won a game? Things were deteriorating quickly, and I was running out of time. The Black Knights would be making their move soon, and I still needed to secure Lelouch. Fortunately, Urabe and C.C. had been monitoring the situation and moved in early. That gave me enough distraction to grab Lelouch and run.

But then I lost him. I don't know how, but I lost him. It's like I just…spaced out for several seconds, and his fake brother was suddenly there running off with him. It was so humiliating. I went through all that trouble, degraded myself so much, and I wasn't even able to complete my objective. Which meant we just had to search for him, even if that meant tearing through every Knightmare the Britannians threw at us. That honestly suited me fine; I much preferred the Guren to that bunny suit anyway.

Of course, the first one to get to him just had to be C.C. It was the best case scenario since she needed to be the one to return his memories anyway, but it still annoyed me…for some reason. Within minutes after C.C.'s contact with the 'target,' we heard that familiar voice, filled with confidence, giving out commands as if the whole past year had not even happened. And just like that, a miracle started to occur; we were outmanned and outgunned, yet we were winning easily. I knew Lelouch must be somewhere where he could see all the action and get each unit into position accordingly. I knew that for now, I should be Q-1 and deploy as he commanded. But I'm not just Q-1; I'm Kozuki Kallen. And before I did one more thing for this man…these two men, I needed an answer.

"What do you want, you who abandoned Zero at Kaminejima?" Okay, he was pissed. But so was I, and fortunately, I was the one with the gun. C.C. said I had been Geassed, but also said that it couldn't have been to make me loyal to Zero. But I still needed to hear from him…Lelouch…Zero, it didn't matter which one. But when I asked him, at first, he just laughed at me. Lelouch's laugh. Then his voiced changed into Zero's—Which one are you?—and told me that my will was my own. He approached me, even though I told him not to move, and he grabbed my gun, never removing it from over his heart. "You don't…believe me?" That was Lelouch again, not Zero.

_I guess that's when I realized that I had hurt you at Kaminejima as much as you hurt me, Lelouch. If what C.C. told me is true, you trusted me. In fact, you chose to trust me more than any other. Yet when you needed me the most, I ran away. You couldn't see the turmoil in my heart; you just saw my back as I turned away from you. That must have hurt. Then you were taken back to the Emperor and had all your most cherished memories taken from you. And the one person that could have prevented that from happening was now standing in front of you. The person that you trusted with your very life was standing there, unable to put her trust in you. I wanted to believe, even if it meant I was a slave. That's what I told you. And for moment, I think you saw things from my point of view, too. I still wasn't convinced…not completely, but it was enough. I would stay…but then why did I still feel, if ever so slightly, like running away?_

"_Maybe it's because this was the first time you truly saw that Lelouch and Zero were the same person. Maybe it's because it was at that moment that you began to realize that your admiration and love for Zero and your friendship and rivalry with Lelouch were combining into something more. And that thought terrified you." _

_Wait…what!? What was that!? Easy Kallen, you haven't been in prison long enough to go stir crazy yet. After all, the first sign of insanity is talking to yourself. _

"_And the second sign is when you start answering yourself back."_

……_Okay, that was weird. _

"_It's not weird. You've just been taking so long to realize it, your mind feels you need a little kick start." _

_Okay, first of all, I do NOT need a 'kick start.' Second of all, that conclusion of yours makes no sense because the very next thing I said to him was…_

"But it's Zero I believe in. Not you, Lelouch." He—I believe he was Zero at that point—said that was fine. Then he asked me how long I was going to stay dressed like that. Dressed like what?...The bunny suit!! I had forgotten. I called him a perv, and he asked if that's how one should address Zero. Yeah, right…that was definitely Lelouch talking then, and I told him so. I was about to suggest some kind of series of hand signs we could use to let me know which of them I was speaking to at any given moment when C.C.'s voice came over the comm.

The new governor, a cruel man, was finally making his appearance, and we were surrounded on all sides. For a moment I was scared, but then Lelouch draped his jacket over me—A platonic gesture? A sign of respect?—and declared his victory. And I knew, we would win.

But it wasn't a victory without cost. We lost Urabe, to that Vincent Knightmare Frame with impossible speed. According to Lelouch, he's our ally for now, but at the time, I thought we were dead. He could literally move in the blink of eye. Even Lelouch was baffled at first, but God Speed or no, I knew we couldn't lose Lelouch, so I threw myself between them. I was surprised to hear the panic in his voice as I did this…he was obviously the one this Vincent was after. He was the one about to die, but he was worried about me.

_Later on, he actually scolded me for my rash actions. He said that that's what gets me into trouble. I can't argue with that; it is after all why I'm here right now. He said, "If I can't figure out what tactic an enemy is using, what chance do you have?" I was insulted and about to protest when I realized he was right. Then he said something odd. "Kallen, if I can't figure out what tactic an enemy is using, it means we've probably lost already. So just retreat. Don't do that again." _

Fortunately, C.C.'s timing was impeccable. On Lelouch's orders, she had been strategically placing charges all around the building, so it was time for Lelouch and I to make for the ground floor. Once there, Lelouch hit the button and Babel tower came crashing down, crushing all our opponents above us. I thought I understood, but as usual, I was thinking too small. Lelouch's plans always have at least two or three overlapping objectives. Not only did the collapse of the tower destroy the enemy forces, it crushed the governor's mobile base and provided us cover to escape to the Chinese Embassy.

I know that C.C. had already laid the groundwork for our alliance with the Chinese Federation, but I was shocked how quickly it came together when we arrived. Geass, I guessed.

I wish I could have seen the look on faces of those Britannians back at their military H.Q. when Zero made his reappearance and announced the reestablishment of the United States of Japan. There was nothing really new about his speech; it mostly just reaffirmed Zero's stance on creating a free country were the primary virtue was justice. Justice for all. Still, the past year had been so hard, and now here I was believing that there would be a miracle again. And that miracle, that 'New World of Justice' would be brought about by this man…whether, this man was Zero…or Lelouch.

* * *

Turns out though that "this man" was neither. It was C.C. They had switched places on me…again. Damn, that annoyed me. Looking back, it makes sense. He needed to get back to Ashford to avoid suspicion. After all, we still didn't know where his sister was, and if Britannia knew Lelouch was Zero again, it could have put her in danger.

_You must have recorded the speech while we were snaking our way through the ruins of Babel Tower, quickly Geassed the Eunuch General and escaped, right? Still, the fact that you didn't spare a moment for me hurt, Lelouch. Although, I guess we had our moment at Babel Tower. But you're supposed to trust me. That's what C.C. once told me. Now she seemed to be reveling in my clear discomfort over it. After our year with pretty only each other to lean on, she has come to know me so well…too well it feels sometimes. _

_That's what was really annoying me, I guess. I've come to really care for C.C., but being with her and only her all the time was really starting to grate. I thought, now, with you back, Lelouch, there would be someone else that I could talk to…that knew all these things that I knew, but that I couldn't talk about with anybody except for the others who were 'in the know.' In other words, C.C. and Lelouch. _

But just like that, he was gone again, with no way to contact him safely. The days went by like that until suddenly, the Britannians decided to not let this 'New' Zero start anything, by executing everyone: Ohgi, Tamaki, Tohdoh, everyone.

We were stuck. There were too many Britannians for my squadron to fight alone, even with the Guren. The man Xingke used the opportunity to stage a mini-coup and kill the Eunuch General, then basically blackmailed us into taking the blame it. And as for Lelouch…Zero…,we had no way of contacting him or of knowing whether he could even shake the security that was watching him every moment of every day.

The execution day arrived. C.C. had to hold me back, telling me I would just get killed if I attacked. Still, I had the Guren and our other Knightmares in position, hoping that Zero would deliver another miracle. That's when he appeared, in his custom Burai from behind enemy lines, asking for a duel with the Knight, Guilford. His only weapon, a police shield.

I knew something had to be up. I know nothing of strategy, but there were three things I did know then: One, fighting a Knight of the Empire with nothing but a shield was suicidal. Two, Lelouch wasn't suicidal……He's a very messed up man, yes, but not suicidal. And Three, Lelouch's plans have never once made sense to me at the beginning. So for the moment, I just decided to sit back and watch the show.

I didn't have to wait long. It's surprising really that none of us saw this coming. It was the Black Rebellion, in miniature. Our POWs landed in our territory and Zero ordered my squadron to move in. We pulled them out as quickly as possible and got them into Chinese Embassy territory, where the Empire couldn't touch us. It was such a relief to see them all again, especially Ohgi and Tohdoh (even Tamaki). But there was one unsettling thing. The Vincent that nearly killed Lelouch and I, that had killed Urabe, had inexplicably been protected by Zero during the fight. And in return, that Vincent had protected him.

_The meeting that night with C.C. and Lelouch was infuriating. It almost felt like I was there merely as a formality. He wouldn't tell me about the Vincent's pilot. Neither he nor C.C. would let me into their conversation about Geass and the Emperor. Why won't the two of you trust me more? Okay, I'm only really good at piloting a Knightmare, so I probably can't do much about Geass. The only Geass I'm immune to after all is Lelouch's. C.C. is immune to all Geass to the best of my knowledge, so anything pertaining to Geass is best left to her. I'll acknowledge that. So are you two just not telling me to protect me? Because you're both afraid I'll attempt to help and end up doing something half-cocked and screw everything up?...The worst part is that I can't deny I wouldn't…_

_But still, the Vincent. It's a Knightmare, one of the few things I DO know about. Lelouch said he was now an ally, but not because he Geassed him. He could turn against us; he could switch sides again. If he does that, I should know how to counter him in my Guren. I'm the head of Zero Squadron. It's my duty to protect you, Lelouch, in case he betrays you. Even if that Vincent has God Speed. Even if it has speed that by all accounts, is impossible… _

_Impossible? Like Geass should be impossible. Is it not the Vincent that has God Speed? Is it the pilot? A pilot with Geass. Then C.C. would be the only one with a chance of fighting him without getting caught up in whatever effect that Geass has to make that Vincent so fast. So, Lelouch…C.C.…are you protecting me again? Protecting me from Geass? If so, I wish you two would at least tell me that much. It's too hard being left on the outside like this…C.C., you once told me you knew what is was to feel true loneliness. I don't know if what I feel even compares to what you've been through C.C., but you can appreciate what I feel at least a little, right?_

_And Lelouch, I appreciate it when you protect me. But I'm your bodyguard. _I'm_ supposed to protect _you_…so I need you to trust me._

"_Are you sure that's the only reason you want him to trust you?"_

_Oh no, not you again._

"_Hey now, if you refer to your own mind as a different person, you really are going crazy." _

_Whatever. I don't have time for your crazy theories._

"_Like you just told yourself, this is your own mind. It's your own crazy theory. This is just the voice trying to get you to listen to yourself."_

_Listen to myself. About how in my mind, Lelouch and Zero are combining into something more…or at least my feelings for them are. And that's why I need their trust? That's stupid. Lelouch is my friend; Zero is my commander. It makes perfect sense that I would want both to trust me. _

"_It makes sense, but it's still not the only reason." _

_Look, I've got alot of things on my mind right now._

"_Yes, but if you keep tuning this voice out, you really may go crazy."_

_Go away…_

"_Just keep that in mind."_

……_Lelouch, Zero, what have you done to me? Sometimes, I wish I had never found out you were the same person. That I could go back…not to my old self—she was just a terrorist—but to when you first changed my life. When I first became a Black Knight. Things were so much simpler then…_

The Black Knights. I was so relieved that Ohgi and Tohdoh stood up for Zero. I knew that, like myself, many of the members would want an explanation about why Zero left in the middle of the most important battle of our lives. Many of our friends had died. Most of those present had been imprisoned for a year without any hope of rescue. And furthermore, if our fearless leader hadn't been executed as was common knowledge, where the hell had he been for the past year? If Ohgi and Tohdoh hadn't spoken on Zero's behalf, I don't know how many would have left. I had very nearly left myself, and I knew almost the whole story, plus I had received Lelouch's assurance. The fact that Ohgi and Tohdoh were able to put aside their doubts and have faith in Zero with neither that knowledge nor that assurance almost made me feel…I'm not sure, but it didn't feel good.

* * *


	5. Q1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. Somewhere out there, there's somebody making alot of money due to Code Geass, especially after all the marketing tie-ins, but that person is not me.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Q-1**

It was only a matter of time after Zero reappeared that it would happen. But it happened faster than I think even Lelouch anticipated. His desire to kill Zero must have been very strong, because almost immediately Suzaku Kururugi was back in Japan. As I understand it, before returning to his homeland, the now great Knight of Seven had been assigned to Prince Schneizel and was helping the Empire make new territories out of the European Union. But apparently, the honor of killing Zero was a prize of sorts given to Suzaku for being the one that apprehended him the first time; and it was an honor that Suzaku had no intention of relinquishing. So it was that Lelouch's greatest rival was suddenly back in class with him, trying to feel out whether the 'New' Zero was, in fact, the old one.

_Suzaku. Everyday, I wonder if there was anything I could have said or did after we found out that we had been fighting each other that would have changed things. I doubt very much we ever would have agreed to work on the same side. But I wish I could have done something to keep you from walking down the path of hatred. I know that path; I've been there. I walked it a long time, after my brother died. Until Zero…Lelouch saved me. Ironically, Lelouch is the one who started you on the path of hatred. _

_Do you realize, Suzaku, the hypocrisy inherent to trying to rise to rank of Knight of One for the sake of your own people at the cost of helping subjugate the people of a couple other continents? Are you aware to what extent that the thoroughly corrupt Britannian system has corrupted you from the kind and just man who was once one of my closest friends? Do you comprehend how much your actions are influenced by your seething hatred towards your former best friend? And do you actually believe that this is the path your beloved Euphemia would have wanted you to go?_

His timing couldn't have been better to come back. Right in time for the cultural festival. Just like the previous year, Zero suddenly dropped off the radar for a few days as Lelouch prepared for the event. I almost felt jealous. I wanted to go. I hadn't been able to enjoy the previous year's festival with all the stress of having Suzaku recently discovering my identity, and this year going was clearly not a viable option. On the up side, I didn't have to worry about Diethard trying to use me in one of his little side projects.

I even laughed when I found out that Milly had revived her giant pizza idea for this year's festival. Some things never change……Then it occurred to me that I hadn't seen C.C. in hours. Usually by this time of day we would have sequestered ourselves in some room to speculate what Lelouch would have the Black Knights doing next while trading insults for a couple of hours. "She wouldn't," I thought. I mean, last year had been different…only a small portion of the military was actually actively looking for her. Now, she was the most wanted Black Knight aside from Zero, himself. C.C. was not that stupid…except when it came to pizza. Then she was most certainly that stupid.

Pizza-Girl had done it again. What could I do? I couldn't tell anyone where C.C. had gone, otherwise some of the other Black Knights might find out about Lelouch. I had to go it alone. I mean, all I had to do was avoid the few people there that actually knew me and get C.C. back. How hard could that be?

Pretty hard it turned out, actually. Ashford's campus is huge. Fortunately, I quickly found a disguise as a green, dog…beaver…horse……thing. (Honestly, I still have no clue what that thing is.) Problem was, that disguise was hot, and really hard to move around in. I was wandering everywhere getting no where until I heard Lelouch and C.C. talking from around the corner. By the time I got there though, there was Lelouch, but no C.C., just…Shirley.

_Shirley. I'm sorry. If your gone, I should be mourning for you more. I should be thinking about you more. But it's still too hard. If I'm going to survive in here, I need to keep my energy up. I can't afford getting trapped in some sort of depression spiral. Hope for rescue or hope for escape is all I have here. I'm sorry. I should be thinking of you, but I'm only thinking of myself. _

_I want to think about you and about all the good times. You can't imagine how much I wanted to let you know it was me under that mask. So we could play around and laugh like we used to. So I could apologize for all the horrible things I did to you. I know you wouldn't have sold me out, but it would have been too difficult to explain why Lelouch and I were there together. Plus, Suzaku was there, and those other two Rounds members, Gino and Anya. So I couldn't reveal myself to you._

_And if it's true that you're gone, then that was my last chance to see you._

Shirley and I were in a bit of a tussle when an old Knightmare Frame picked up the tomato container. The container that moments earlier, Lelouch had told me C.C. was in. And the race was on. Lelouch came in last, of course. I placed second after Suzaku despite that stupid suit and Shirley trying to tackle me…not bad if I do say so myself. Fortunately, Lelouch made up for his lack of physical prowess with a convenient distraction that lasted long enough for C.C. and I to escape and then meet Lelouch on the roof, but not before I saw her…Villetta.

_That woman, who is somehow related to Ohgi. She's a Britannian, a baroness for her role in capturing Zero. She was also one of Lelouch's 'jailors' until Lelouch used his knowledge of her and Ohgi to blackmail her. Was she just fooling you Ohgi? Or did you actually help her? You've been almost as loyal to Zero as me, maybe more so since you don't know what I do. Why didn't you ever tell any of this to Zero? Or me? You didn't even trust me? You were my brother's best friend. I've known you longer than anyone. Please, Ohgi…things aren't adding up, but I want to trust you. Trust is something that has gotten so hard for me recently, but if I'm able to trust Lelouch, surely I can trust you, too. Right?_

We were able to escape due to the timely arrival of Xingke. Lelouch arranged it, figuring that Xingke would have no reason to tell the other Black Knights that two of their senior members were out playing around at a school festival if he was told there was no reason to. After so many close calls, I was about out of adrenaline and my body was shutting down. Little did I know that Lelouch's adrenaline had just spiked because he had just gotten a call from the new Governor of 'Area 11.' His sister, Nunnally.

* * *

I'm sure to the rest of the Black Knights, it looked like a simple kidnapping. Only C.C. and I knew how important this really was. Still, I was nervous. Suzaku was here now—who was almost as protective of Nunnally as Lelouch—with an upgraded Lancelot. I hadn't even been able to keep up with him during the Black Rebellion, when he first got his float unit. Meanwhile, my Guren was still not completely repaired from that battle over a year ago. Not only that, but there were two other Rounds members here, too. I knew how important this was for Lelouch, but still, it felt like suicide.

Lelouch assured me that he had been in contact with Rakshata, and upgrades for the Guren would be available soon, but that did little to boast my confidence. It seemed to me that I needed the upgrades for the Guren _now_. He just smiled that irritating smile of his he does whenever he knows something I don't and moved on to other business. And I smacked him upside the head as I left to get ready.

As I predicted, the battle was going pretty well, until the Rounds showed up. Senba was killed. Most of our other troops were able to eject in time, still we were getting hammered. Lelouch, he was taking too long. I knew what was wrong. He couldn't bring himself to just grab her and run. He was trying to talk her into coming on her own. Sometimes, he can be a real softie for someone whose trying to take over the world. Pretty soon though, there were only a few of us left, and Suzaku had taken the field. My Guren, my pride, she just wasn't strong enough anymore. Before I knew it, I was plummeting towards the open sea. And I couldn't eject.

During that long year in hiding, getting replacement parts for normal Knightmares were hard to come by. Custom parts for my Guren were nearly impossible. Maintenance suffered. Still, my Guren, you just couldn't stop her. No matter how many battles she went though, she always came out on top. But it had all started to add up. And now one of the critical systems had failed when I needed it the most. I would never fulfill my brother's dream of a free Japan. I would never see my mother again. But maybe if I had bought enough time for Lelouch, if he completed his objective, it would have been worth it.

That's when Rakshata suddenly called…from almost directly below my position. The new parts for the Guren had arrived. (When I asked Lelouch later about why he failed to mention that the upgrades were en route during the battle, he simply said that he thought I would like surprises. What a di…never mind.) I admit that mid-air upgrading of advanced mobile weaponry was a skill that I never predicted I would need, but found myself mastering quite quickly. A new Guren had been born: The Guren Kashoshiki.

_And, may I just say, that I kicked some ass? Seriously. Three Knights of Rounds and they didn't even touch me. Admittedly, I completely took them by surprise, and after my rather dismal performance earlier, they were probably seriously underestimating me. But c'mon, I beat two of them in less than a minute (plus, several of those new mass-production Vincent types). I mean, I didn't completely destroy them, but they were out of commission for the battle. _

_Suzaku was putting up a bit more of a fight, because he was protecting Nunnally, no doubt. But I still gave that White Armor's face a scratch that would require a little more than a fresh coat of paint. Unfortunately, our battle was cut short…Wait, that was actually a good thing, right? Whatever else may have happened, Suzaku was still my friend, and I didn't really want to fight him. Right? I guess I got a bit of an adrenaline rush from the Kashoshiki. _

Suzaku made the right decision to pull out. There was no time for fighting. The governor's ship was going down, and Nunnally and Lelouch were still aboard. To top things off, I had less than a minute to find them. No pressure, Kallen.

I got there just in time to see the Lancelot flying off with Nunnally. But Lelouch was making no move to escape himself. If I hadn't been there to catch him, I think he may have just let himself crash into the ocean and drown.

* * *

"_At least she's alright," I told Lelouch as we returned to base. Nothing, I got absolutely nothing out of him. Not even a 'hmm.' I'm sorry, Lelouch. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. To know that your dear sister was basically a hostage, and she didn't even know it. She even chose that fate herself. And her keeper was the man who is supposed to be her Knight. Your best friend and worst enemy. But that couldn't have prepared you for the biggest shock, that she wanted to revive the plan of Euphemia li Britannia, the Special Administrative Region of Japan. _

_The Japanese people were all skeptical to say the least. One princess had already used this 'ploy' to murder their people. And the Black Knights were worst of all. It's good that you weren't here, Lelouch, to hear what they were saying about Nunnally. Honestly, I wanted to slap each and every one of them. They had no idea what Nunnally was like. There isn't a more pure heart on the face of this planet. She's been so good to me, despite everything. But everywhere I went, it was nothing but people saying the most horrible things about the most kind and gentle girl ever born._

_It was getting to be too much. C.C., you had always been my pillar of strength to lean on for the past year, but now you were being strangely distant…talking to yourself constantly. You've always talked to yourself alot. I usually pretend not to notice, but right then, you seemed to be uncomfortably engaged with the voices only you could hear…Not that I'm one talk…In fact, I may be becoming like you…_

…

_Okay, good. For a second I thought 'this voice' might decide to come back. Anyway, that left only one person to talk to, and he wasn't picking up._

Granted, nothing could get down the optimism of Princess Kaguya. Not even the accusation that her dear 'husband' had been cheating on her. In fact, she seemed uncomfortably okay with the idea. She took the hands of C.C. and myself and declared us Zero's 'Three Court Ladies.' I'm not sure what she meant by that, but considering where the conversation had been moments earlier, I don't think I like what she was implying.

"_You want him all to yourself, hmmm. Amusing how you were assuring Kaguya that Zero would never cheat on her considering what you almost did a couple hours later." _

_You again._

"_No, not 'You again.' This voice is you; you're this voice. So it's improper to address this voice as 'you.' Also, since this voice is you, this voice never leaves, so it's improper to say 'again.' _

_You're annoying._

"_sigh"_

_What do you want?_

"_Same as always."_

_Then go away, I'm not interested. _

"_Has it occurred to you that this is like what you're doing with Shirley?"_

_What!?_

"_You've realized that your mind is holding back most of your thoughts about Shirley because it's too much for you to bear in your current situation. In order to protect you from a 'depression spiral.' Maybe this voice is another protective mechanism to prevent a different kind of spiral." _

_What kind of spiral?_

"_This voice thinks you know."_

_That's ridiculous._

"_You went after him."_

_Of course, I did. He's a…very dear friend. And he's our leader. We, all of us, the Black Knights needed him. C.C. was worried, too, but she seemed so out of it that she couldn't go, so I went instead. _

"_All very valid reasons to go find him. But none of those were your reason." _

_That's enough._

"_You even knew exactly where to look…"_

That's true. There were only so many places he could have gone. Somehow, I knew in the state he was in, it would lead him back to the beginning. Zero's beginning. But when I saw him, he wasn't Zero, the commander that told me on that first day in Shinjuku that I could win. He wasn't even Lelouch, that cocky, cheeky bastard that annoyed, yet refreshed, me with his very presence. He looked like he had died, but had forgotten to stop breathing.

And to top it off, he was about to use Refrain. The drug that destroyed so many of my people, that destroyed my mother. And now, it was going to destroy him too if I didn't stop him. I ripped it from his hand and broke the vial, but that wasn't enough. He would find more. I pleaded with him to remember that we could figure out another way to rescue Nunnally. I told him I would do anything he said…and he asked me to comfort him.

At first I didn't know what he meant, but then I found his lips getting closer to my own. I was trembling. I still had never had my first kiss, and this wasn't how I wanted it. I wanted him to stop. I wanted to move away. But I just couldn't. I let him get so close…then I slapped him. That brought him at least part way back; I could at least see some of Lelouch in his eyes.

I begged, absolutely begged him to be Zero again. All of us needed him. Without him, we would lose again, and this time there would probably be no survivors…except C.C., but she would probably end up in a capsule again. Even if it was all just an act, we needed Zero back. And then I couldn't hold back anymore, so I ran before he could see me looking so pathetic.

He didn't follow me…I thought for sure he would, but I turned around, and he wasn't there. Lelouch, he took me aside later and said he was about to, but that something stopped him…but he didn't elaborate any further. Instead, he said that he ended up at Ashford with our friends. He told me that that's when my words sank in, that his fight couldn't just be for Nunnally anymore. It was also for Milly, Rival, Shirley…even Nina and Suzaku…for C.C.…and for me. It was for everyone that put their faith in him.

Meanwhile, however, Suzaku was about to destroy the Black Knights, just as I feared he would. But then his voice came over the comm.…"Q-1, can you hear me!? Q-1!?" Within moments, he did another one of his miracles, turning our final defeat into one of the most unlikely, long-shot victories ever.

_Q-1. He said, 'Q-1.' Tohdoh was commanding the vessel. Ohgi was the vice-commander. Even C.C. was there. Yet, I'm the one he called out to right then. _

"_Makes you feel special, doesn't it."_

_Not again. Look, he probably just called to me because I was the last one he talked to, the one who went to find him and gave him a little kick in the rear._

"_Yes, possibly"_

_What?!_

"_Even probably. But then, this isn't really about what he feels about you, is it?" _

……_What?!_

"_It's about what you feel about him."_

_Enough!!_

"_No, not enough!! This voice wouldn't be in your head if you didn't need to work this out." _

_Okay, fine, I'll admit it. My feelings for Lelouch and my feelings for Zero. They've combined. They're even more than a simple sum of their parts. He's one of the most special people in my life. _

"_No, your brother was one of the most special people in your life. So is your mother…and C.C. Lelouch is more that that." _

_He's not._

"_He is."_

_I said, he's not…_

"_Then tell this voice, tell yourself, what would you call it? _

"_You laugh with Lelouch and laugh at him. You've cried with him, and he's made you cry. You get angry at him, then make up with him, then get angry again. You argue over the same things time and time again. Your jealous of him and your jealous for him. You appreciate so many of the things he does for you, but feel guilty he needed to do them for you in the first place. Sometimes you even resent him for it. You go out of the way to protect him, expecting no thanks in return, but are still thrilled when you receive it, and are disappointed if you don't. He's wronged you, yet you forgave him; and you've wronged him, and felt like you were half dead until he forgave you. You fight…like you've actually physically hit him on a number of occasions. Sometimes you apologize and sometimes you don't. All of his character traits that you think are so admirable become his worst character flaws daily…sometimes hourly. Every single thing about him annoys you to no end, yet you can't remember how you ever got by in life before him. _

"_What would you call all that?"_

……………………………………………………_Love?_

"_That 'a girl." _

_That would explain it._

"_It would indeed."_

_I didn't want to admit it to myself. It would mean that I was willing to abandon all my friends in the Black Knights. That I would have been willing to just go underground, to stop fighting and lower my head to Britannia. _

_But if I had let Lelouch kiss me that day in Shinjuku, I don't think I would have gone back. _

* * *


	6. Despite Everything

**Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. If I did, you can be sure that by now Kallen would be out in her new Guren kicking ass and taking names. **

* * *

**Chapter 6: Despite Everything**

But I didn't have to make that decision, because Lelouch…Zero, he came back himself. Then, he immediately announced that he would participate in the Special Administrative Region of Japan. I was shocked, but probably much less so than the others. Was he going to betray the Black Knights again for the sake of his sister? It made me angry to think about it, but still, I think I could even have forgiven him for a second time. The others though, they would kill him. Unless, he came up with a hell of a good excuse.

And he did. He explained his plan, albeit in a round about way, full of euphemisms and riddles. It really is true that some people are just too smart for their own good. In know that Zero has to be charismatic, but sometimes Lelouch goes over the top with theatrics. Still, once we finally understood, everyone agreed that it was the best course of action, even though only C.C. and I understood that this was really about not coming into conflict with Lelouch's sister. I was okay with that; I honestly don't know if I could fight Nunnally either.

_It was as we were about to leave that you pulled me aside, Lelouch. Once everyone was gone, you removed your mask and looked me strait in the eyes. I didn't know where you were going with this, but the silence was quickly becoming incredibly awkward. Finally, you said, quickly and rather flatly, "Kallen, thank you…and I'm sorry." Somehow, I expected a little more, but I appreciated it nonetheless. Neither gratitude nor apologies have ever been your strong suits, Lelouch, so getting both in a single sentence was saying something, even if they were rather weak. You went on to explain briefly what happened after we parted ways in Shinjuku, and ended with the words…"So, thank you, Kallen. If not for your words, I doubt I would be here right now……And sorry about…you know." "Oh, right, yeah…no problem," I sputtered out. That had been the most awkward conversation of my whole life. _

We didn't have much time over the next week as we prepared for Zero's plan. While Lelouch handled the negotiations, the rest of us were left with the busy work. The logistics of the whole thing was just crazy. One million people with one million Zero suits. Fortunately, most people were capable of making their own. Even if they were just cheap copies, all they had to be was convincing from the outside. I'm also amazed by the fact that it didn't get leaked to the Britannians; it just shows how much faith Zero had produced in the Japanese people. When the day finally came, the Britannians didn't see it coming.

There was just one wild card in the whole equation: Suzaku. Which Suzaku would be present at the event? The old Suzaku, who would never put the end result over deplorable means. Or the new Suzaku, who hated Zero with such a passion as to go to any length, even to compromise all he believed in, just to destroy him. That day, it was the old Suzaku who won out, so we were all exiled. And Zero ceased to be a man; he was a symbol, a symbol of the heart of a people. A heart that we all shared as one. So we left the shores of our homeland, as one.

The Chinese Federation granted our exiles a small island within their territory. It was from there that Zero would start the next phase of his plan: to conquer the Chinese Federation, only not as conquerors. That's what Lelouch and I were discussing that one afternoon shortly after arriving at our new home. It was so…comforting to hear him back to his old self. When I had found him in Shinjuku, I had never been more scared in my life; not even when piloting a Knightmare. Then I thought about our 'almost kiss' and got a little distracted. Next thing I knew, I was straddling him, our lips almost touching, again.

He had already given me a partial answer, but I guess I wanted to know more…or maybe I just wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice, so I asked him why he came back. He responded by asking me to go back to Ashford…with him. And then……C.C.

_Stupid, C.C.!! What was he about to say to me? Was it just that he wanted to get the whole gang back together, or was it something more? Does he feel more for me than just his classmate and his subordinate? Have his feelings for the two sides of me combined into something more just as mine have for him? Could his feelings for me from Ashford and as Q-1 ever combine into what I feel for him? He was about to say something, but C.C. just had to butt in!_

……_Of course you did, C.C. It's not like I'm a complete idiot. I know what you feel for him, too. At least, I think I do. Sometimes you treat him like a business partner. Other times you're almost more like his mother. But underneath it all, you love him, too, don't you?_

_That's why I hate you C.C.…I love you like a sister, but I also hate you. You once said that Lelouch was forced to trust you and that he chose to trust me. But that still doesn't mean that he doesn't trust you more…that he needs you more than he'll ever need me. That you'll always be one step closer to him than I can ever reach. That I'll never be able to surpass you…_

_Still, if it was you C.C., I think I could handle it. I love Lelouch. And I love you, too, C.C. If the two of you can somehow make each other happy in this dirty world, I could live with that. It would hurt…I know I'd be jealous. I'm too horrible not to be…but I would survive…somehow._

_Still, after all the close calls and misunderstandings, Lelouch, if you don't even have the decency to kiss me at least once, to let me feel your lips on mine, I am going to be so pissed off!! If you think I've smacked you before, Lelouch, you better watch out!...Why the hell didn't I just go for it that day I fell on top of you!?_

Granted, C.C. wasn't our only problem. The first Prince of the Empire, Odysseus, had just been announced to be engaged to the Empress of the Chinese Federation. Clearly this was a ploy by the Eunuch Generals, who had all the real power within the Federation, to curry favor with the Empire. Problem was we were enemies of the Empire living under the Federation's care. Only Tamaki was too stupid to see where this was going. Lelouch knew only one person in the Empire would work so quickly: Prince Schneizel; fortunately for us, Zero was capable of working equally quickly. He almost immediately formulated a plan, but first we needed to gather some intelligence. So we went to a party.

* * *

Kaguya was a friend of the Empress. So, of course she was invited to all the wedding festivities. Still, her choices of guests—Zero and myself—caused, to say the least, a stir. Fortunately, just as Lelouch predicted, his brother Schneizel was quite the gentleman off the battlefield, and the situation quickly defused. It's too bad that Suzaku was there, otherwise Lelouch could have just Geassed everyone present, and things would have gone so much smoother. But no, there was Suzaku, fixing Zero with a death stare. However, before anything got out of hand, Kaguya managed to cool Suzaku down a bit. Next thing I knew, Lelouch was proposing a little game…of chess.

I know something of the game of chess, but, suffice to say, it's not a specialty of mine. Still, here Lelouch was playing a game against the one person that he had once told me could ever beat him: Prince Schneizel. Their moves and strategies were way above my head, so I got lost pretty quickly. (The fact that the Knight Gino kept flirting with me from across the room didn't help either.) Still, even I picked up on the fact that this wasn't really about the game; they were feeling each other out, trying to get some new insight into their enemy. But in the end, neither could best the other; it was a stalemate. Or it would have been. Schneizel was about to let Lelouch win, but Lelouch's damnable pride wouldn't let him except that. I couldn't help but wonder, did Schneizel know who Zero was now? All from a chess game. He certainly once knew Lelouch. But as these thoughts filled my mind, one of the last people I expected to see appeared…

_Nina. I know you…admired Euphemia. All of us on the Student Council knew you wanted to meet her. Some of us were actually getting a little concerned you were getting a little obsessed. Obviously, we should have been more concerned than we were. Her death destroyed you didn't it? Perhaps, even more than Suzaku. Still, your hatred towards 'Elevens,' that hatred you directed at me, it hurt. If Euphemia was truly as you remember her, do you really believe that she would want you to give in to such reckless hate? _

_I'll admit, of all the members of the Student Council, you were the one I was least close to. I sometimes wonder that if Milly hadn't forced you out of shell occasionally, you would have even talked to the rest of us. You were always so absorbed in your research and your data. Still, I'm sorry, Nina. I'm sure Lelouch is, too, but he must remain behind that mask. So from both of us Nina, we're sorry._

Nina left in a complete mess. I saw Milly with her briefly. (How I wish we could have talked.) But that night's festivities were over, and it was time to go. Schneizel made it quite clear that he did not want to see Zero at the wedding the next day. That would leave only me to escort Kaguya. Not that it mattered, Lelouch is a party crasher anyway.

Although he was not the only uninvited guest that day. Xingke and his forces that opposed the Eunuch Generals were staging a coup, a coup that Lelouch had conveniently found out about (Geass, again, I would assume.). Lelouch took advantage of the situation, by kidnapping the Empress of the Chinese Federation.

I can't really blame Xingke for what happened next. After all, there is no way he could have deduced the intricacies of Lelouch's plan as held his Empress at gunpoint. It's pretty much impossible for anyone to see the end results that will come about because of Lelouch's actions unless you're already in on the plan. Anyone who could would have to be able to understand the inner workings of Lelouch's mind, and anyone like that would probably be certifiably insane. So its no surprise that after Zero wiped the floor with the Eunuch's forces, the one to come after us would be Xingke. He followed us, and he wanted his Empress back, and he would not stop until he had her.

I don't know what I was thinking. The Energy Filler on my Guren hadn't even been replaced yet. Maybe I was just thinking that, as Zero's bodyguard, it was my duty to head out and meet this new threat. Maybe it was because moments before I had seen Lelouch and C.C. acting all chummy, and I needed to blow off some steam. At any rate, the next thing I knew, I was in my Guren and deploying without orders to do so.

It's not that I lost. I could have handled that, being beaten by an opponent that was simply better than me. And Xingke was good, at least as good as Suzaku, maybe even better. His Knightmare, the Shenhu, was possibly even more advanced than my Guren. Even so, I had an opportunity to win and I took it…but then I ran out of power. And I was a prisoner of the Chinese Federation, all because I had been too rash to wait for a new Energy Filler.

_But, then, Zero…Lelouch, you called out to me. I apologized, but you didn't care about that. You told me you would come save me, and that I just needed to needed to sit tight. It's those words that are keeping me going even now. You're not perfect, Lelouch…and you've disappointed me many times. But when I've really needed you, you've always come through for me. _

_Your voice. It was so filled with…concern, even passion. It's like that day we reunited in Babel, and I threw myself in front of you to protect you from the God Speed Vincent. Your voice was full of concern then, too. You didn't want me to come to harm. I still don't know what you feel for me Lelouch, but even that concern is enough. _

_But that same concern has also been causing you pain…all on my account. All because I jump into action without thinking first. All because I'm so rash. First, that time in Babel, and then this time against Xingke. I'm the leader of Zero Squadron, your own personal guard. I'm supposed to be the one protecting you…and not just your life; I want to protect more than that. But, instead you were about to put yourself at risk to save me. You were declaring in front of the whole bridge crew that you would come for me. _

_I wonder what they thought? Diethard, he probably advised you to retreat. Rakshata would at least want her Guren back. But Ohgi and Tohdoh and the others, they wouldn't hesitate to put themselves at risk for me. And C.C., she wouldn't have to worry at all. She isn't even capable of dying…_

_But that's when it hit me. Dying…my friends would be risking death, just to save me. I'm the best fighter that Zero…that Lelouch has. His Q-1; his queen piece. It makes sense to sacrifice pawns for the queen in chess. But this wasn't a game. This was real life. Real people were about to sacrifice themselves, just because of my mistake. I wish I could have still gotten through to Lelouch…so I could tell him…just run. _

I was actually relieved that Xingke forced Lelouch into retreat. There would be no one else dying because of me. All Lelouch had to do was finish the plan. Let the Eunuch's back him into a corner and start running their mouths off. Sooner or later their true character would be made known…and thanks to Diethard, everyone in the Federation would know about it. (I may hate that man, but he certainly has his talents.) After that, all Lelouch would have to do is wait for the Eunuchs to fall, and he could just come pick me up without a problem.

Except that's not quite how it worked out. The plan itself was actually working without a hitch. Unfortunately, I didn't anticipate being used as a bargaining chip by the Eunuch's to get help from Britannia. They handed me and my Guren over…to Suzaku…

_As I looked at him while I was strapped down to that table, I was desperately looking for some part of the Suzaku I once knew, but instead he just looked at me…judging me. HE was judging ME. That just pissed me off!! How dare he!? I don't claim to be a saint, but the two of us, we're soldiers on opposite sides of a war, but he was just looking at me like a terrorist. It would have been different if this whole situation had been way back…back before Lelouch had found me. But it wasn't back then. Suzaku had never even known me then. But, he did know the current me…the one that had been his friend once…and still he had the audacity to judge me. _

_Yes, by now we had tried to kill each other many times, but it was on the battlefield. There was nothing personal about it. And it's true, since becoming a Black Knight, I've done things that I regret, but none of them could be any worse than things Suzaku has done. (I mean, okay, there was that time I tried to stab him in the back, but there's no way he could have known about that.) He once told me that off the battlefield, he would try to convince me, not fight me. Apparently, there had been a statute of limitation on that promise, because I saw none of that now. _

_But the thing that really got under my skin, the thing that just made me want to rip that superior look right off his face were his own words on Kaminejima. He had claimed that Lelouch was a man that used his Geass to hide in the dark, to use others while keeping himself out of danger. He accused him of being "arrogant and sly." Yet, I know, Suzaku. You serve a man who uses his Geass to hide in dark and use others—others like our best friends from school—while keeping himself out of danger. Who is arrogant and sly. And it was to this man that you betrayed Lelouch, your best friend, immediately after condemning him for the very same thing. _

It was as these thought went through my head that they started un-strapping me from the table to put me in a bondage suit. I'm proud to say I got a few good hits in first. A couple guards with broken noses and some poor guy that I hope didn't want to have anymore kids. But then I felt a stinging sensation as they drugged me and everything went dark.

When I came to, I had a massive headache and a new appreciation for what C.C. must have gone through while at Clovis' lab. (Why she kept wearing this thing for so long is beyond me.) No one was talking to me, but from what I could hear from the guards, I at least picked up that the plan had worked. The Eunuchs were overthrown and the Chinese Empress, along with Xingke's faction, were allied with the Black Knights. Unfortunately, I also heard we were heading back to 'Area 11.' I knew Lelouch could work miracles, but getting me back now seemed to be beyond even him. And even if he could, I didn't want anyone to have to sacrifice themselves for my sake.

So in the end. The operation was a success. Lelouch had succeeded in conquering the Federation, but not as conquerors, just like he said he would. And all it cost was one soldier's freedom. All and all, tactically speaking, it was a great victory. But, Lelouch, did you feel that way……?

* * *

Thus, I became a POW of the Britannian Empire. I was questioned time and again. It was mostly by Suzaku, but people from various other departments that I had never even heard of showed up, too. It was actually surprisingly exhausting considering I pretty much only had to sit there. Mostly they wanted to know about Zero (especially Suzaku), but I didn't say anything. Naturally, I thought the torture would start soon…or they would just execute me. But then I got the surprise of my life…

Nunnally. I was shocked to see her. Since Suzaku was in charge of my imprisonment, I had assumed that he would have kept her from finding out, but apparently she was more resourceful than I ever gave her credit for. (Although, admittedly, I don't care much for her taste in clothes. They're just not very…practical.)

_Still Nunnally, as grateful as I was to you for coming to talk to me, for letting me out of that uncomfortable cell, for actually treating me with dignity fitting for a human being…as grateful as I was for all of that, I couldn't help but be somewhat unsettled. You're the reason we left Japan. All because Zero, your brother Lelouch, could not stand the thought of coming into conflict with you. Lelouch had promised to rescue me, but if that meant returning here to Japan, of chancing a conflict with his sister, would he be able to do it? Would I even want him to? I want no harm to come to Nunnally either. _

_It was so kind that you came to speak with me today, Nunnally. I can understand. You've been lonely with only Suzaku to talk to, and he's been lying through his teeth to you all year. At least for the past year, I've had C.C. to talk to, who's always brutally honest if not altogether forthcoming. Meanwhile, you have no idea that the reason you can't go see your best friends is because none of them even remember you. But when you mentioned Lelouch, my heart truly went out to you. I know Nunnally. I know how hard losing a brother can be…I guess that's why I asked what kind of brother Lelouch was. _

_We talked about our brothers for quite some time, didn't we, Nunnally? You cried. You actually cried when you learned my brother was gone, even though he was a Japanese terrorist and you're a Britannian princess. Still, when the conversation came back to Lelouch, I never expected you to say, "He was always worried about you, you know?" Nunnally may be robbed of sight, but she has perception to 'see' what many of us will never know. She told me how often she thought she could here a tinge of worry in Lelouch's voice when he was talking to me or about me. Something none of the rest of us would ever have picked up on. She wondered just how much Lelouch surmised of my activities. _

_It took everything that was in me not to tell you, Nunnally. That your brother was alive. That he was working night and day to create a world that would make you happy. But Lelouch would never forgive me if I did that. He donned the mask of Zero to keep you out of harms way. If you knew, you would be in danger. And Lelouch…and I, we just wouldn't allow that. _

Unfortunately, our pleasant conversation was interrupted by none other than Suzaku. Nunnally was obviously put off by the way he only referred to me only by my prison number, but she still trusted him. So that's how I ended up in a room alone with him. That's when he told me Shirley was gone, and that Lelouch was responsible. He threatened me with Refrain. I thought about fighting, but knew realistically I was no match for Suzaku even if I wasn't in such a ridiculous outfit. So I decided to slap him like I do with Lelouch, hoping it would bring back the old Suzaku.

What I got for my effort was a condemnation about Shirley and punch to the gut. A distraction and a sucker punch. Definitely not the old Suzaku. Yet in the end, he couldn't do it. After that, I should have run to him, to beg him to stop heading down this path of hatred before it destroys him…or Nunnally. But I was just to shell shocked to do that. Instead I've just been sitting here, thinking about……everything.

* * *

I believe you, Lelouch. Despite everything, I'll always believe in you.

But you have enough on your agenda right now. With the Chinese Federation in revolt, both the Black Knights and the Britannian Empire will be scrambling for territory. You also still need to keep up with your double life at Ashford up if you're going to keep Nunnally safe. Plus, there's all that stuff about Geass that you and C.C. are always keeping secret. And…if it's true about Shirley…you should take time to grieve, Lelouch. Even if you're Zero, you're still human. You need to take time for yourself occasionally, Lelouch.

Plus, I don't want you to come here if it means sacrificing pawns just to get back your Q-1. Pawns are people, too after all. People with families,...and sisters. Like Nunnally. Nunnally would get involved too if you came for me, Lelouch. I won't let you do that to yourself.

And anyway, I'm no damsel in distress, after all. Just get me to a Knightmare, and I'll be back with the Black Knights before you know it. If I can get out of this cell, I may even be able to find my Guren. I swear, if they've messed with her, there's going to be hell to pay.

So don't worry, Lelouch. I'll always be your first Knight, your Ace, your…Queen. I'll be alright on my own.

Still, if you came to rescue me with your own hands, that would be alright, too.

**END**

* * *

**Afterword: Hey all again, I hope you enjoyed the story. It has been an exhausting endeavor for me since I wanted to get this story out before the next episode of R2 came out. That meant I had to work on this for about six hours Sunday and another five hours a night, Monday through Thursday, in order to get it done in time. Then, I needed to spend Friday night adding the Forward and Afterword and proofing the story. As a result, I felt a bit rushed, and some parts of the story still don't flow quite as well as I wish they would. Still, I worked hard to mostly make it an interesting read. **

**The main thing I'm scared of is that some of you may have found the story a bit too repetitious. Thoughts, by their own nature, are repetitious, and this being a story about thought, needs some repetition to be realistic. However, too much repetition, and the story quickly becomes stale. I hope I was able to strike a good balance for all of you. **

**The other thing that concerns me it that the story feels a little rushed at the end. As I mention in the Forward, I often speculate on what Lelouch or C.C. may have told Kallen about certain events in order to flesh out certain parts of the story. But after episode 10, Kallen has no source of information except herself. Because of this, she doesn't have much knowledge of what is happening in episodes 10 through 15. Therefore, the narrative starts to get compressed at the end simply because of lack of information. **

**I would also like to take a moment to explain my treatment of some of the characters in the story, starting of course with Kallen herself. This story revolves around the thoughts of Kallen; however, due to her duel personality, her thoughts can often be hard to discern. Most stories I've read involving Kallen have her Ashford personality being purely a façade, with her true personality being the Black Knight one. However, I personally believe that, at the very least, the part of her Ashford personality that is friends with the Student Council is part of Kallen's true personality. Therefore, I've presented a Kallen that, like Lelouch, has two distinct selves, with neither being more 'real' than the other, and her true self being somewhere in between. One of the results of this is that, sometimes, what I portray as Kallen's thoughts don't always match up to what she says or does in the show. However, I think most of us can appreciate that thoughts and actions don't always coincide. Hopefully, what I did is not too unrealistic. **

**Also, some people may notice that Kallen gets down on herself often. These thoughts are not my own personal opinion of her character, but rather her thoughts on herself. Personally, I actually think that of all the characters in Code Geass, she's one of the few that come closest to having pure intentions; not that she doesn't have certain gray areas within her motivations, but she's far more genuine that either Lelouch or Suzaku. However, in my experience, really good people have a tendency to not think that they are that good. I believe this is because they are aware of their own failings, their sins, if you will. Being aware of one's sins allows a person to be better than those that do not acknowledge their faults, but at the same time it has a tendency to make that same person depreciate oneself. It's that Kallen is aware of her shortcomings that makes her a good person. **

**Finally, about Kallen's slight 'schizophrenic' moments midway through the story. I didn't in any way want to imply that Kallen is in the least bit crazy. However, I think most of us at some point have tried to deny something about ourselves that our minds don't let us ignore, like 'a needle in your brain.' However, it's hard to depict this phenomenon without giving it its own voice, hence the appearance of the second voice in Kallen's mind. I tried to use it sparingly, only having it first appear when Kallen's feelings for the combined entity of Lelouch and Zero come to the forefront and having it leave once she resolves those feelings. It's a risky narrative device, but I think that it worked out pretty nicely. **

**The next character that presented some difficulty was Lelouch. Particularly, the Lelouch during the time when Kallen does NOT know that he is Zero. Often fan fiction stories portray Kallen as outright despising Lelouch during this time OR having a secret crush on him. I chose to go a middle route where they have a 'special' friendship, but not a romantic one. This stems mostly from Lelouch being aware that Kallen isn't as frail as she looks and acting as a 'release valve' for her while at school. So while he clearly annoys her, she finds him comforting at the same time. **

**And, of course, there's C.C. Many stories I've read with C.C. and Kallen together either show Kallen in a positive light and C.C. is a heartless bitch OR C.C. in a positive light and Kallen is a complete idiot. I've never really seen any evidence for this treatment in the show. In fact, for the first season, they barely even interact. However, in the second season, when they have their more serious moments, they do seem to have genuine respect and concern for each other. This only makes sense to me since the two of them must have grown rather close during the year between seasons 1 and 2. They were, after all, the only two members of the Black Knights that knew the truth about Lelouch and Geass. That is why I attempted to portray their relationship as a somewhat adversarial, but nonetheless sisterly relationship. Please don't flame me just because you love Kallen and hate C.C. or vice versa. **

**Then there's Suzaku and Nina. Two characters that seem to be quite despised by the fan base right now. Still, I tried to treat them as I believe Kallen would. As Milly points out in episode 9, Kallen is always thinking or others before herself, and is quite clearly sympathetic towards Nina. (Whether she would be so if she knew that Nina was building a nuke is beyond the scope of this story since she, in fact, does not know.) Suzaku is a little more difficult to figure out. Despite exchanging harsh words in episode 19 of the first season, they remain friends until the end of season 1. Their interactions in season 2 have been less than cordial; however, it's my belief that deep down, Kallen has no personal grudge against Suzaku; she just has the misfortune of have irreconcilable ideological differences with one of her best friends that have led them to fight on opposite sides in a war. I believe that given the opportunity, Kallen would want to make up with Suzaku if at all possible. **

**One of the most difficult characters to bring into the story was Euphemia. Kallen, of course, had hardly (if any) interaction with Euphemia prior to episodes 22-23 of the first season. Like everyone else, she came to the conclusion that Euphemia was a lying butcher after the massacre. However, Kallen isn't an idiot. She's at least as smart as Suzaku who was able to put together that Lelouch has a Geass with the power of 'absolute command' and moments after meeting Euphemia, she did something entirely out of her character. Kallen would have to be somewhat suspicious of these circumstances as well. As a result, when I finally brought Euphemia into the story, I had Kallen's mind push her to the side to avoid thinking about the inevitable conclusion that would be drawn if she thought too much about her. In the end, I had Kallen deduce the possibility of an accidental use of Geass. This may be the single most unlikely conclusion I've made in this story, but it was the only one I could come up with that allowed Kallen to keep her faith in Lelouch. **

**And finally there is Shirley. Shirley was by far the most troublesome character to fit into this story. This story takes place within Kallen's cell during episode 15 of R2 when she has been told moments earlier that Shirley, one of her best friends, has been killed. It only makes sense given the circumstances that her thoughts would revolve around Shirley at this point. However, this isn't a story about Kallen's thoughts about Shirley, so I had to figure out a way to make her thoughts drift away from Shirley without being uncharacteristic to Kallen's character. Kallen, being such a caring character, would clearly NOT simply shrug off the death of Shirley as no major tragedy. My final solution was to make her be in denial at first, but finally come to accept it, resulting in a fairly significant meltdown that left her numb as own mind tries to protect her. Again, hopefully, it's not too unrealistic. **

**So anyway that's my story. Please review, comment, even flame if you really need to vent. My ego isn't so frail that it will fall apart simply because somebody I've never met over the internet said something mean to me. I'll just print out your comments and show them to my therapist as proof the whole world is out to get me. Just please don't be one of those reviewers who complains about not understanding the story without having watched the source material first. **

**This is youngde, signing off. **

* * *


End file.
